Larvatus Prodeo

I fly out tonight for a month-long adventure in Ireland, England and a little bit of France. If you want to see what I’m up to, Carita and I will be using Flickr to post our photos and commentary.

But my belated Christmas gift to the LPers is something that came to me through my new job. Spark & Cannon records and transcribes court proceedings in WA, and at Christmas they produce Tales from the Court, a book of highlights from the year’s transcripts.

Here is a selection of my favourites.

(Friday afternoon, discussion re witness needing to return on Monday for day 9 of evidence)

COUNSEL: I don’t know when is a good idea to tell him.

HIS HONOUR: I suspect never.

COUNSEL: I think that’s probably correct. For his own sake it might be sooner rather than later.

HIS HONOUR: I will tell him immediately after lunch and then duck under the bench and let someone else take the flak.

COUNSEL: Fair enough.

COUNSEL: Your Honour, the next witness is Mr Smith, who should be available by video-link from Albany.

HIS HONOUR: Very well. I will just adjourn. Everybody can wait here. I will rise so that my associate can swear at the computer in my absence.

COUNSEL: Are the legs important in BMX riding?

WITNESS: Well, they would be most important because they turn the pedals around, yes.

COUNSEL: The offender opened the lower part of his dressing gown, wearing no clothing underneath. He took hold of his penis, which was semi-erect, placing a match down the eye of his penis, lighting up the match, and then commenced to sing the song Happy Birthday To You as if it was someone’s birthday. So far as it’s relevant, it was no-one’s birthday.

HIS HONOUR: I think it is, in my opinion, advisable for the jury to go out this afternoon, but obviously you think they should wait until tomorrow morning. Mr Counsel, what’s your view?

COUNSEL: I haven’t spoken to Mr Accused about this but I suppose I have no view save for the in-laws are coming over for dinner tonight so any way of getting out of that, I would be happy.

HER HONOUR: I’ll leave that up to you. You can sort that out. This afternoon we have which doctors?

COUNSEL: Yes, psychiatrists, your Honour. I don’t think we have any witch doctors in this case.

COUNSEL: I don’t see how digging up the carcass of the dead horse — I take it this goes to the 1992 incident, as I understand it, where it says the dead horse was dug up and photographed and used to present false evidence in the subsequent proceedings.

HIS HONOUR: I suppose, in a way, I’m asking whether this really arises out of cross-examination in any way.

COUNSEL: It doesn’t, your Honour. It’s flogging a dead horse.

COUNSEL: That night was a hot night, wasn’t it?

WITNESS: No, it wasn’t. I was invited to go and watch a movie. It was not a “hot” night.

COUNSEL: I think I had better do that again.

HIS HONOUR: I think they are talking about the weather there, Ms Witness.

WITNESS: Oh, hot. Okay.

COUNSEL: Doctor, I take it that low back pain makes sex uncomfortable for you?

WITNESS: I don’t remember, Mr Counsel. It’s been three years.

COUNSEL: What can you say about his penis? Can you describe it?

WITNESS: Well, I don’t know how I can describe it. It’s a bit hard for me.

COUNSEL: It’s correct, isn’t it, detective sergeant, that at that point there is a break in the video and it comes back and one sees the accused smiling?

WITNESS: Yes.

COUNSEL: A small portion of tape was edited there. Is that correct?

WITNESS: Yes.

COUNSEL: Is it correct that during that portion something amusing happened such that a number of people in that house were laughing.

WITNESS: Yes.

COUNSEL: Was it that one of the police officers passed wind fairly audibly?

WITNESS: Yes, that’s correct, and it wasn’t me.

Happy new year, everyone.