j_p_z throws down the gauntlet:
It’s been a while since there was a good, funny contest around here.
Accordingly, I propose to donate to charity $25 per pop (for the first ten entries, up to $250) for anyone who can write the following:
Alter a stanza or lyric from a well-known pop song to include and topically accomodate either Frankenstein or Godzilla. Other movie monsters are acceptable too, provided the twist is remarkable enough to warrant one. (In other words, don’t get too easy! — and good luck using the Night of the Living Dead!)
Example: (from The Beatles’ “And I Love Her”)”
Bright are the stars that shine,
Dark is the sky.
I know that Frankenstein
Will never die.
A few simple rules:
1. Original song must be relatively well-known, within reason (e.g., a parody of Yes’s “I’ve Seen All Good People” qualifies, but a parody of Yes’s “Gates of Delirium” doesn’t.)
2. The only two songs you can’t use are the Dolls’ original “Frankenstein,” and Blue Oyster Cult’s original “Godzilla”.
3. Special $50 jury prize for anyone who can work Godzilla into “The Monster Mash.”
4. Entries that are too “easy” can be summarily disqualified by a general chorus of booing. Be clever! And try to get those monsters into the end-line rhyme, whenever you can!
5. Charity recipient will be chosen by the author of the “best” entry (winner to be chosen by spontaneous general acclamation) from among the following options:
a. Doctors Without Borders,
b. Salesian Missions,
c. some well-known international anti-hunger org (suggestions welcome),
d. Sisters of the Road [homeless outreach and food programs], or
e. LP itself.
Hop to!
Update: Extra bonus…
Special $50 Jason Soon Honorarium for the best riff on a Dylan song.
It’s close to midnight and something evil’s lurking in the dark
Under the moonlight you see a sight that almost stops your heart
You try to scream but terror takes the sound before you make it
You start to freeze as horror looks you right between the eyes
You’re paralyzed
‘Cause it’s Godzilla, Godzilla Night
And no one’s gonna save you from the beast about to strike
You know it’s Godzilla, Godzilla night
You’re fighting for life inside a killer, thriller tonight
OR (to the tune of UB40s Red Red Wine)
Frankenstein
Is that your head
Or is that your thigh
attached to your toe
Frankenstein
What’s happened to you
You’ve got some strange man’s bum
And mem`ries won`t go
No, mem`ries won`t go
I`d have thought
That with time
You’d get used to
Having this strange head
I was wrong
And I find
There’s no way I can forget
Frankenstein
Stay away from me
Please let me be alone
(Aargh) you’re tearin` apart
My blue, blue heart
I’ll try this as a taster, but I’ll be back:
Tune: Dancing Queen by ABBA
You are the Frankenstein, young and sweet, only seventeen
Frankenstein, feel the beat from the tambourine
You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life
See that girl, watch that scene, dig in the Frankenstein
Getting there. Does Japanese pronunciation of Godzilla count?
Tune: Mama Mia by ABBA
Godizirra, here I go again
My my, how can I resist you?
Godizirra, does it show again?
My my, just how much I’ve missed you
Yes, I’ve been brokenhearted
Blue since the day we parted
Why, why did I ever let you go?
Godizirra, now I really know,
My my, I could never let you go.
I’ll make an early play for the $50
He arrived in tokyo in 1954
A prehistoric monster 50 meters tall
Godzilla!, coming from beneath the sea
powered by radioactivity
Gorija-san
that’s what they call him in Japan,
Gorija-san
He’ll destroy us, if he can,
Gorija-san
His powers are beyond the ken of men,
Gorija-san
Flee you fools! While you still can!
[Lennon-McCartney, “Yesterday”]
Frankenstein,
When you made me I was doing fine,
Now I know that nothing of me is mine,
Oh, you are a perfect swine.
Disgustingly,
I’m ten times the man I used to be,
What’s this bolt you’ve stuck through me,
Oh, Frankenstein stop shocking me.
Why you
Had to sew I don’t know, you wouldn’t say.
I said,
Something’s wrong, my schlong didn’t last a day.
Frankenstein,
Random parts are not fine,
Where on earth did you find my spine?
Oh, I’m a monster Frankenstein.
Then you
Used some glue. Just one tug. It failed too.
I bled.
Something’s wrong, I’ll never get a lay.
Frankenstein,
Now I’m gonna swap yours for mine,
It’s quite small, but it’ll suit me fine,
Oh, stop your whining Frankenstein.
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm.
Wow, already the early entries are quite inspired! Very impressive!
Mark, can you edit the post to update/include the Jason Soon Prize for best Dylan riff (from the “Saturday” thread)?
(And I’ll remind all you Dylanites who need a bit of a nudge, that “Visions of Godzilla” scans perfectly; of course, you have to do some work on the preceding lines..)
Done, j_p_z.
You were working as Godzilla in a cocktail bar
When I met you
I picked you out, I shook you up, and turned you around
Turned you into someone new
Now five years later on you’ve got the world at your feet
Destruction has been so easy for you
But dont forget its me who put you where you are now
And I can put you back down too
Dont, dont you want me?
You know I cant believe it when I hear that you wont eat me
Dont, dont you want me?
You know I dont believe you when you say that you dont need me
Its much too late to find
You think youve changed your mind
Youd better change it back or we will both be sorry
Dont you want me baby? dont you want me - oh
Dont you want me baby? dont you want me - oh
I was working as Godzilla in a cocktail bar
That much is true
But even then I knew Id destroy a much better place
Either with or without you
The five cities we collapsed have been such good times
I still love you
But now I think its time I destroyed all life on my own
I guess its just what I must do
Bravo!
Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye, aye
Aye, aye, aye, aye,
aye, aye, aye
See me ride out of the sunset
On your color TV screen
Out for all that I can get
If you know what I mean
Women to the left of me
And women to the right
Ain’t got no gun
Ain’t got no knife
(But) don’t you start no fight
Cause I’m Frankenstein, I’m dynamite
Frankenstein and I’ll win the fight
Frankenstein I’m a power load
Frankenstein watch me explode
I’m dirty, mean and mighty unclean
I’m a wanted man
Public enemy number one
Understand?
So lock up your daughter
Lock up your wife
Lock up your back door
(And) run for your life
The man is back in town
(So) don’t you mess me ’round
Cause I’m Frankenstein, I’m dynamite
Frankenstein and I’ll win the fight
Frankenstein I’m a power load
Frankenstein watch me explode
Frankenstein aye, aye, aye
Frankenstein aye, aye, aye
Frankenstein aye, aye, aye
Frankenstein aye, aye, aye
Frankenstein aye
I’m dynamite (aye, aye)
Frankenstein aye
And
I’ll win the fight (aye, aye)
Frankenstein aye
I’m a power load (aye, aye)
Frankenstein
Watch me explode
We love you, Accadacca!
For Jason Soon (Dylan’s ‘It’s all over now, baby blue’):
You must leave now take what you need and think will last
But whatever you plan to keep you better grab it fast
Yonder stands your monster with his bolts
Buzzing from a power surge of volts
Look out! You’ve gone too far this time
And it’s all over now, Frankenstein
My my! Look at my re-humanisation!
Oh yeah! I’m repulsed by the monster, my creation!
My methods are ethically free,
I did it alchemically!
Frankenstein—Breaking rules and moral pieties
Frankenstein—I show up our modern anxieties
Frankenstein—Such allegorical preachiness
Frankenstein—Didn’t stop literary success
Frankenstein—The horror is designed to impress.
Now for something seasonal:
You’d better not pout,
You’d better not cry,
You’d better watch out,
I’m telling you why,
Frankenstein is coming to town.
He’s going out late,
And stalking the night,
He’s lying in wait,
To give you a fright,
Frankenstein is coming to town.
He’ll creep in through your window,
And right up to your bed,
He’ll put his hands around your throat,
Then squeeze till you’re quite dead.
So …
You better watch out,
You better beware,
You better not doubt,
There’s evil out there
Frankenstein is coming,
Yes, Frankenstein is coming,
Frankenstein is coming to town.
So, you think you like big butts?
Oh my god
Junko, look at that egg
Its so big
The local villagers have salvaged it
Hey Sakai, and here comes Kumayama-san from Happy Enterprises
They only talk to him because he looks like a total prostitute
I mean that egg
It’s just so big
I can’t believe it’s so round
It’s just out there
I mean, it’s gross
Look, it’s just so black
*rap*
I hate Mothra and I can not lie
I’m Godzilla and I can’t deny
That when a monster falls from outer space
And shrieking in your face
You get sprung
Wanna pull up tough
Cuz you notice that moth was stuffed
With all those strings protruding
I’m pissed and I can’t stop stomping
Oh, Tokyo I wanna get with ya
And smash your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
But that moth you got
Make me so angry
Ooh, pair of flapping wings
You say you wanna scream my end
Well go away go away ‘less you want to feel my death ray
There must be some way out of here,” said Frankenstein to the thief,
“There’s too much confusion, I can’t get no relief.
Businessmen, they want my DNA, the average Joe just wants me 6 feet under the earth
None of them along the line values my self-worth.
“No reason to get excited,” the thief, he kindly spoke,
“There are many here among us who feel that life is but a joke.
But you and I, we’ve been through that, and we *know* that this is true
So don’t force me to be your therapist, buddy, I’ve enough to keep me blue
All along the watchtower, bounty hunters kept the view
Looking out for their GMO treasure, professionals and amateurs too.
Outside in the distance a wildcat did growl,
Two riders were approaching, the wind began to howl.
Yeah, but Hendrix’ cover is still the definitive version.
I AM … FRANKENSTEIN!
Has he lost his mind?
Can he see or is he blind?
Can he walk at all,
Or if he moves will he fall?
Is he alive or dead?
Has he thoughts within his head?
Well just pass him there
Why should we even care?
He was turned to life
In the great magnetic field
Where he traveled time
For the future of mankind
Nobody wants him
He just stares at the world
Planning his vengeance
That he will soon unfold
Now the time is here
For Frankenstein to spread fear
Vengeance from the grave
Kills the people he once saved
Nobody wants him
They just turn their heads
Nobody helps him
Now he has his revenge
Heavy boots of lead
Fills his victims full of dread
Running as fast as they can
Frankenstein lives again!
It’s not your fault that you’re a mutant dinosaur
born out of a nukular war
And I wonder if you might be able to help me
in settlin’ some old scores
I’ve often yearned, arguin’ “Right or left?�
For 30 seconds usage of your atomic breath
But I can’t see it penetratin’ the internet
I’ll stick to nice, it’s alright.
Fucken’ gold. You have my vote, whoever you are.
Counting Crows, of course…
Sha la la la la la la la.
Oh.
Uh huh.
Down in old Bavaria
Staring at this square-headed corpse
Dr Frankenstein starts a garbled monologue
While Igor
His hunchbacked assistant
Cackles while the lightning strikes
The rod
The corpse is reanimated
And we all want something reanimated
Man, I wish I was reanimated
So, here comes the villagers
With torches and pitchforks
Sha la la la la la la la.
Yeah.
Uh huh.
Yeah.
Cut up the corpses!
Show me some of them bottled brain stems.
Pass the electrodes, Igor, please?
Believe you me,
I’ll sew together anything.
‘Cause I wanna get something artificially conceived.
Yeah.
(Queen via Rollins)
Frankenstein, you’re a boy that makes no noise
Walkin the street, you’re a man made in one day
You got scars on yo’ face
You big disgrace
Kickin’ your creator all over the place
We will, we will, kill you
We will, we will, kill you
Frankenstein, you’re a hard man
Walkin’ the street, gunna hurt a child some day
You got blood on yo’ face
You big disgrace
Wavin’ your arms all over the place
We will, we will, kill you
We will, we will, kill you
Frankenstein, you killed an old poor man
Pleadin’ with your eyes, aint gonna make peace today
You got mud on your face
You big disgrace
Somebody better put you back in your place
We will, we will, kill you
We will, we will, kill you
Start spreading the news,
I’m leaving today;
I want to be a part of it, New York, New York.
These mutated feet,
Too big for the street,
Must move some buildings in my path;
New York, New York.
I’m going to raise hell in the city that never sleeps;
To leave the Empire State building in a great heap.
Bikini Atoll,
Is melting away,
I’ll make a brand new start of it:
Destroy New York!
If I can make it well,
I’ll then get a sequel,
And score an Oscars date with Bjork.
Very funny, and very impressive variety so far… kudos to you all…
Sir Destroy-A-Lot — Even gaijin got to shout!
Will there be more Dylan…?
Yeeeers master!
Igor’s in the basement
tightening the neck bolts
Im on the pavement,
thinking bout modernity
etc…. including
You dont need a wollstonecraft
to know which way the wind blows
yada yada
mine is in moderation for some reason? ..sorry, i waited and submitted it again….
[link]
Hmm, not only can i not spell, but evidently i’m crap at html too
Moderator:fixed! - tigtog
Frankenstein was afraid to come out of the locker
He was as nervous as he could be
Frankenstein was afraid to come out of the locker
He was afraid that somebody would see
One, two, three, four, tell the people what he wore
[ It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka-dot bikini
That Frankenstein wore for the first time today.
An itsy bitsy teentie weenie yellow polka-dot bikini ]
So in the locker he wanted to stay.
Two, three, four, stick around we’ll tell you more
Frankenstein was afraid to come out in the open
And so a blanket around he wore
Frankenstein was afraid to come out in the open
And so he sat bundled up on the shore
Two, three, four, tell the people what he wore
[ repeat ]
So in the blanket he wanted to stay.
Two, three, four, stick around we’ll tell you more
Now Frankenstein is afraid to come out of the water
And I wonder what he’s gonna do
Now he is afraid to come out of the water
And the poor little monster’s turning blue
Two, three, four, tell the people what he wore
[ repeat ]
So in the water Frankenstein wanted to stay.
From the locker to the blanket
From the blanket to the shore
From the shore to the water
Yes there isn’t any more.
I don’t believe in an interventionist Godzilla
But I know, darling, that you do
But if I did I would kneel down and ask Him
Not to intervene when it came to you
Not to touch a hair on your head
To leave you as you are
And if He felt He had to direct you
Then direct you into my arms
Into my arms, O lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms
And I don’t believe in the existence of Frankenstein
But looking at you I wonder if that’s true
But if I did I would summon him
And ask him to watch over you
To each burn a candle for you
To make bright and clear your path
And to walk, like Godzilla, in grace and love
And guide you into my arms
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms
And I believe in Dracula
And I know that you do too
And I believe in some kind of path
That we can walk down, me and you
So keep your candle burning
And make his journey bright and pure
That he will keep returning
Always and evermore
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms, O Lord
Into my arms
Give that man the prize.
Crippled oil tanker in a Tokyo blizzard
Leaking from the work of an enormous lizard
Scarred old monster knows he’s doing all right
Hear him grind the crewmen just around midnight
Godzilla, how come you waste so good
Oh, Godzilla, just like a mutant should
Oh, I bet your momma shagged a cooling tower
Gave all her offspring this nuclear power
All Nippon Airlines know what they don’t like
Rodan on the runway just around midnight
Godzilla how come you waste so good
Oh, Godzilla, just like a chimera should
Etc
Zilla came from under Tokyo Bay.
Fast asleep, when an A-bomb wrecked his day.
Poked his head from under the sea,
Breathed some rays, and then Z was a G,
They said Hey Godzilla,
Take a walk on the wild side.
They said, Hey, lizard,
Take a walk on the wild side.
Frankie came from some German cat’s lab.
Got his brain from a jar marked Normal, Ab-.
Had a skin-tone of aqua-green,
Never had to dress up on Halloween,
We said Hey, Frank,
Take a walk on the wild side.
We said, Hey, Stein-man,
Take a walk on the wild side.
And the kids meeting with Bono say
Doo-doo-doo, doo, doo, doo-doo,
Doo, doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo-doo
Dooooooo…..
He climbs a tree and scrapes his knee
His dress has got a tear
He waltzes on his way to mass
And whistles on the stair
And underneath his wimple
He has curlers in his hair
I even saw him destroying Nagasaki
He’s always fighting monsters
His atom ray’s a pain
He never watches where he steps
And Tokyo’s down the drain
I hate to have to say it
But I very firmly feel
Godzilla’s not an asset to the abbey
I’d like to say a word in his behalf
Godzilla makes me laugh
How do you solve a problem like Godzilla?
Our howitzers can never bring him down
How do you find a word that means Godzilla?
A flibbertijibbet! A will-o’-the wisp! A clown!
Many a thing you know you’d like to tell him
Many a thing he ought to understand
But how do you make him stay
And listen to all you say
He’ll completely bugger-up all of Japan
Oh, how do you solve a problem like Godzilla?
His anger management is getting out of hand
When I’m with him I’m confused
Out of focus and bemused
And I never know exactly where I am
Unpredictable as weather
It’s too bad that we went nucular
He’s a darling! He’s a demon! He’s a lamb!
He’d outpester any pest
Drive a hornet from its nest
He could throw a whirling dervish out of whirl
He is gentle! He is wild!
He’s a riddle! He’s a child!
He’s a headache! He’s an angel!
He’s a girl!
How do you solve a problem like Godzilla?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
How do you find a word that means Godzilla?
A flibbertijibbet! A will-o’-the wisp! A clown!
It’s not that easy being green;
Having to spend each day the color of the leaves.
When I think it could be nicer being red, or yellow or gold…
or something much more colorful like that.
It’s not easy being green.
It seems you blend in with so many other ord’nary things.
And people tend to pass you over ’cause you’re
not standing out like flashy sparkles in the water
or stars in the sky.
But green’s the color of Spring.
And green can be cool and friendly-like.
And green can be big like an ocean, or important like a mountain,
or tall like a tree.
When green is all there is to be
It could make you wonder why, but why wonder why?
Wonder, I am green and it’ll do fine, it’s beautiful!
And I think it’s what I want to be.
Frankenstein Rigby
Picks up the pens in a church where a voting has been
Didn’t get in
Waits by the mobile
Wearing a face that she keeps in a jar by the door
Who is it for?
All the lonely creatures
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely creatures
Where do they all belong?
Father Godzilla
Writing the words of a pamphlet that no one will read
No one has need
Look at him blogging
Checking his stats in the night when there’s nobody there
No body cares.
All the lonely creatures
Where do they all come from?..
Frankenstein Rigby
Died in the polls and was buried along with her name
Last shot at fame
Father Godzilla
Wiping the calls from his phone as he walks to the bar
Orders a car
I woke up this morning’
tears were in my bed
they killed a mutant I really loved,
nuked him through the head.
Lord, Lord, they cut Godzilla down
Lord, Lord, he melted to the ground.
He wouldn’t take shit from no one
he wouldn’t bow down and kneel
Authorities they hated him
’cause he was just too real.
Lord, Lord, they cut Godzilla down
Lord, Lord, he melted to the ground.
**A very shabby Godzilla in top-hat and tails shambles onstage. He shuffles his cane uncomfortably from claw to claw. There is a moment of awkward silence before the band strikes up Howard Arlen’s ‘Paper Moon’**
I’m only a salaryman
Underneath a rubber suit
But it wouldn’t be half as good
If Hollywood re-made me.
Yes, they’re merely matchbox tanks
And the GI Joes are plastic too
But it wouldn’t be half as great
If Hollywood CGI’ed me
Without the lego
It’s as solid as Britney’s marriage
Without styrofoam
It might as well star Bruce Willis
It’s a cardboard laden set
And Mothra’s made of carpet too
But the fun would all be gone
If Hollywood re-made me
**Godzilla attempts to tap-dance, trips on his rubber tail, and collapses into the cardboard skyline at the back of the set before being rescued by a pair of stagehands**
I bow down humbly to your superior lyric skills, Scuttlefish. Thought my effort with Nun’s Song from Sound of Music (for I am *swoops cloak aside* Rogers and Ramstein) wasn’t half bad. But I can see I’ll have to try harada.
Banzai!
I ain’t gonna work on Frankenstein no more.
No, I ain’t gonna work on Frankenstein no more.
Well, I wake in the morning,
Fold my hands and pray for rain.
I got a head full of ideas
That are drivin’ me insane.
It’s a shame that monster makes me scrub the floor.
I ain’t gonna work on Frankenstein no more.
Lightning strikes ring out in a stormy night
In comes Dr Frankenstein with a needle and knife
He’s operating in a pool of blood
Cries out “My God! I’ve created life!”
This is the story of Frankenstein
A committee effort at designing a man
With three parts Kevin, one part Shane
Put together by a surgeon
Who was never admitted
Into the AMA….
Two bodies lyin’ there, three legs and an arm
All the local yokels who’d lately bought the farm
“I love it” Igor says as he throws him some hands
“If it doesn’t monster virgins it can drum in any band”
Igor flinches and he jerks and he hops
Says “I think you better match the bottoms and the tops”
And so the Dr matches tops
And he sews up the seams
With the lightning flashing
In the hot Rumanian night…
Wreck us a town, Godzilla man,
Wreck us a town tonight,
We’re all in the mood for some carnage
‘Cause you got us feeling alright!
Lah-da-da dah dah daah,
Lah-da-da dah, dah dah, dah dah!
And Tokyo burns like an inferno …
Frankie whipped him together outta bits and bolts
Excitable boy they all said
Then he hooked him up to 20 thousand volts
Excitable boy they all said
Well he’s just an excitable boy
He tried to fit in, and he learned to talk
Excitable boy they all said
But when folks saw him, they’d tend to baulk
Excitable boy they all said
Well he’s just an excitable boy
Before too long he’s hacking folks apart
Excitable boy they all said
With alienation in his composite heart
Excitable boy they all said
Well he’s just an excitable boy
So the Doctor feels guilty, makes him half a mate
Excitable boy they all said
Then chickens out and leaves our boy to his fate
Excitable boy they all said
Well he’s just an excitable boy
The final indignity in future fame
Excitable boy they all said
Was being called by his tormentor’s name
Excitable boy they all said
Well he’s just an excitable boy
Wow. Some really funny new stuff lately!
“The clouds come often at night,
But the heavens operate on the star system!”
–Frank O’Hara, ‘To The Film Industry in Crisis’
Well so far we’ve had multiple entrants for the Jason Soon Dylan Honorarium (and Andrew’s recent “Hurricane-stein” was a real hoot and a half), and an entrant who rang the bell for the Monster Mash Jury Prize, so that brings the grand total charity donation to $350. Pretty soon we’ll have to select a winner so we know where this money’s going.
I propose closing entries in the next, say, 36 hours or so (though if a flood of funny stuff keeps coming in, we can hold off by popular demand). After that (or during it), people should start loudly shouting their favorites. Winner to be selected, if possible, by the old-fashioned, chaotic, and wildly inaccurate vaudeville “applause meter” technique. If you have a favorite, make some noise. If no clear winner emerges from the ruckus, I’ll select a handful of finalists by brutal fascist diktat, and we’ll have a run-off. Or, if nobody cares enough to vote, I’ll just pick a winner. So vote! Isn’t it mandatory or something down by youse…?
Perhaps the view of the silent majority is that they’re all excellent and you should go for the diktat method, j_p_z?
Scuttlefish, Boynton and Rogers and Ramstein for me!! Although best first line is “I don’t believe in an interventionist Godzilla”
Yes, voting is compulsory round ’bout these parts
1. Walk on the Wild Side
.. and if you maniacs ever do this again - couldn’t you note the name of the song it’s ripping off - for those of us who are musically challenged.
I’m for Andrew’s Hurricane.
Although I would’ve liked to see the full 27 verses of the original.
Scuttlefish and Boynton, with Accadacca in reserve.
Sir Destroy A Lot gets my #1, with a Scuttlefish preference. I hope JPZ is one of those Americans who can do optional preferential?
Thought I’d add something for the 4yo Goth set and attempt to split my own vote:
(Tune: Big Red Car - The Wiggles)
Hack, hack, choppa, choppa, big monsta,
A bolt on here, and a bolt on there
Hack, hack, choppa, choppa, big monsta,
We’re gonna sew the whole day long
Boris is the left arm, Svenka is the ears
Georgy the pancreas, and Vanushka is the rear.
Hack, hack, choppa, choppa, big monsta,
An arm on here, and a leg on there
Hack, hack, choppa, choppa, big monsta,
We’re gonna add the whole day long
Wilhelm is the ventricles, Ivan is the nerves
Natasha is the bile ducts, and Nina adds the curves.
Hack, hack, choppa, choppa, big monsta,
A liver in here, and a brain in there
Hack, hack, choppa, choppa, big monsta,
A bit of John Holmes, ooh, whoops…too long
The left pectoral has gone fast asleep, we’d better wake it up
So let’s get set to electrify and yell out: “Wake up Breast!”
Hack, hack, choppa, choppa, big monsta,
A lid for the cranium, pity about the hair
Hack, hack, choppa, choppa, big monsta,
A miracle of science, shame about the pong
Bonus to Scuttlefish for topical Wigglenss!!!
I remain very fond of Human League. I bought the collector’s edition cd of Dare last year.
You sure you want everyone to know that, Mark?
Heh.
I like Human League too. I mean, they really were the best of the synthesiser/haircut New Wave bands of the early 80s…
Were Human League the guys who did “It’s a Mug’s Game” (which I always thought was a pretty funny song), or was that somebody else?
Also, now for no particular reason, I’ve got another funny song from the old days stuck in my head, “Punk Rock Girl” by — well, I forget who did that one.
“We’ll dress like Minnie Pearl,
Eat fudge-banana-swirl,
Just you and me, Punk Rock Girl…”
“It’s a Mug’s Game” was Soft Cell, j_p_z (also well known for karaoke fave “Tainted Love”):
http://play.rhapsody.com/softcell/theverybestofsoftcell/itsamugsgame?didAutoplayBounce=true
‘Punk Rock Girl’ is by the Dead Milkmen.
I really liked Human League’s early songs ‘Empire State Human’, ‘Circus Of Death’ and ‘Being Boiled’. My recent fetish for ‘Dont You Want Me’ is because of RockWiz and Julia Zemiro.
I think JPZ may have taken out his own contest with that Lou Reed impression.
Joint Runner Up to Sir Destroy a lot, Joe 2’s Into my arms (does the zombie reference count him out?) and Liams Abba ripoff (for attention to poetic detail.)
If I can somehow convince myself that looking up UB40 lyrics might not lead to loss of brain matter, then im thinking maybe Red, Red Wein would be a goer.
Oh, the memories…
Ice T?
Come on - how can we talk about new wave haircuts without Haircut 100, or A Flock Of Seagulls? I just hated Dare because it got flogged so much at the time - I must confess to being partial to Being Boiled, though.
Do we need a haircut band thread, do you think?
Okay, time to wrap this puppy up.
Looks like our winner is Scuttlefish! –with Sir Destroy-a-Lot a very close runner-up!
Honorable mention goes to boynton and Accadacca who also ran strong, and Andrew I think deserves the Jason Soon Medal. Monster Mash Prize goes to Darryl Rosin’s delightful entry. Also, special newly-created Cole Porter Memorial Prize for Elegance is shared by Gummo Trotsky and Christine Keeler, aka Rogers and Ramstein. And the Scansion Award is split between lynn white, Katz and Human Football League for delightful ways to cram clumsy monster-names into lyrics.
So Scuttlefish, as the winner, gets to pick where the money goes (see original post for choices). If no reply, the default will be Doctors Without Borders, as that seems to be a favored charity at this blog.
Thanks to all for truly hilarious and widely-ranging efforts. Who’d have thought show tunes would make such a strong presence? Perhaps there’s a change coming in the cultural currents.
Let the last word go to the Right Honorable David JoHansen, who so memorably posed this difficult and eternal problem to the human race…
“I got to ask you one question.
Do ya think that
You could maaaaake it,
With Frankenstein?”
How about a no haircut band thread? Leading the way Rose Tattoo of course..
If there was justice in the world Triple J would be playing Black Eyed Bruiser to death.
OK then, I’ll save “Up There Godzilla” and “Achy Breaky Franky” for a rainy thread.
Oh and re the Human League, I reckon they went right off after “Being Boiled”.
Now Bauhaus and Cabaret Voltaire, they were good haircut bands.
And the cover of Throbbing Gristle’s “20 Jazz Funk Greats” really pushed Brit art rock haircuts into an major self-referential sardonic death spiral. From which everyone eventually recovered except Genesis P-orridge - who by the way is a far more entertaining human-sized roll on deodorant than Angry Anderson.
Which reminds me of some delightful grafitti seen in Glenmore Rd Paddington in the early 80s: “Real punks can’t spell cappuccino”
Just kinda stuck with me.
My two favourite pieces of Melbourne graffiti were:
a) in large and exuberent letters on a Fitzroy wall - “The Pope Farts Too”; and
b) in small careful letters on a North Melbourne wall - “Death to bad spellirs”.
But the all time best grafitti I ever saw was painted on a wall in Toorak in Suva, Fiji (which is the utter opposite of Toorak in Melbourne, Australia). It was a vibrant folk art portrait of Jimi Hendrix with lovingly lettered underneath “Jimi is God!” Then a week after I first saw it, it had been carefully annotated to read “Jimi is Good.” with neatly painted underneath - “Methodist Church wuz here.”
I’m an old MSF (Doctor Without Borders) donor from way back, so the default option suits me. Thankyou for your generosity j_p_z.
Well done all! I was sadly lacking parodimagination this week, but I thoroughly enjoyed the efforts of others.
Thanks for the idea, j_p_z, and your generosity.
thanks jpz. although my entry didnt garner any critical acclaim, the chorus is platinum and i’ll send you some sheckles when the dosh comes rolling in from commercial radio.
best graffiti ever - “australians are bleedy-minded sheep” - early 60’s migrant perspective in sydney, nothing’s changed.
Do you remember where that was jo? Sounds vaguely familiar
Ha! Was Fiji’s Toorak named after Melbourne’s Toorak?
There’s a ghost town in California called Ballarat, which was named after Victoria’s own Ballarat. (It wasn’t built to be a ghost town, California’s Ballarat, that is.)
The Jason Soon medal!
I would like an autographed photo of Ayn Rand as a keepsake.
As for the rest of you, yez are all mugz.
Hotel Monster Island
(a song of mighty monster mayhem sung to the tune of Hotel California by The Eagles)
On a dark deserted island, hot wind in my hair
It’s a blast of radiation, rising up through the air
Up ahead in the ocean, I saw a burst of light
I found myself in the shadow of the beast
Godzilla came for the night.
There he stood on the shoreline
I heard his footsteps boom
And I was thinking to myself
This could be the spot of my final doom
Then Godzilla opened his mouth and showed me his ray
There were monsters on this island
And they were here to stay
Welcome to the Hotel Monster Island
Such a scary place, With monsters from space.
Plenty of room at the Hotel Monster Island
You can hear the roar, of an ancient dinosaur.
His mind is Rodan-rotated, He’s got the Megalon blues
He got a lot of ugly, ugly monsters that he likes to bruise.
How they fight on the island, Godzilla, Ghidorah, Gigan
Some fight for their freedom, some fight for Japan
So I called up the Shobijin
“Please send for the bug”
The tiny beauties said, “Sure,” while they gave their wigs a tug
Yet still I hear their voices calling from far away
Woke Mothra up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say…
Welcome to the Hotel Monster Island
Such a scary place, with monsters from space
They wrestling it up at the Hotel Monster Island
Is it my last hurrah, or a kaiju curtain call?
Aliens in the caverns
They’ll put Godzilla on ice
They will want to enslave him with their monster-controlling device
But out on the island
The monsters want their release
They howl and they scream
The aliens still can’t kill the beast
Last thing I remember
The aliens were running away
They had to find passage
From Godzilla’s atomic ray
“Relax” said the beauties
And they let their voices sing
“You can check out Kong any time you like,
But Godzilla’s still the king.
Cue Daikaiju Guitar solo!
My apoligies to Misters Henley, Frey, Felder, and Walsh.
Spooky Mizu
D*m*me that was good. I hope you will be on time for funeral though.
In the land of karaoke, I will never be able hear or sing Hotel California again without envisioning a mighty foot crushing a neon sign buzzing “vacancy”.
Sad it was too late for the contest.