Guest Post by Mercurius Goldstein: Pre-election Policy Leaks

Mercurius writes:

This just turned up in my inbox from a reliable Liberal source…

Following the unprecedented success and widespread popularity of WorkChoices, the Coalition has devised these new policies to promote individual flexibility and freedoms:

TaxChoices: Negotiate your own tax rate, and how it is spent. This policy has been tested for decades by the Packer family, and it is finally ready to be rolled-out for everybody to benefit.

RoadChoices: For too long, our public roads have been hijacked by union bosses driving cynical leftist propaganda. From now on, voters who choose to drive on the right side may do so. Nobody will be forced to merge left, but they can have a representative from the left as a back-seat driver if they wish.

KidChoices: Under current legislation, it is nearly impossible for small families to dismiss non-performing offspring once the 3-month probationary period has passed. The process drags on for months or even years, disrupting the smooth operation of the family unit, sapping morale and causing endless heartache. A disgruntled child in the household can turn other offspring against the boss, who may be a sole homeowner struggling to stay afloat.

The current system is a disincentive for many small families to take on new offspring, fearing it could take 16 years to remove them, and in extremely delinquent cases it might take up to 30 years.

Under KidChoices, small families under 100 members will have the right to dismiss children for operational reasons, such as when there aren’t enough chicken drumsticks to go around in a so-called “family pack”.

The Coalition is confident that KidChoices will boost Australia’s fertility rate, and also revive the vital adoption and orphanage sectors of the economy.

BirthdayChoices: Australia has long suffered under the socialist pipe-dream that everybody should get an equal number of annual birthdays. But with birthdays limited to only one per year, the current system strangles the enterprising spirit of many small Australians who aspire to more birthdays. It also denies flexibility to older Australians who would prefer to have fewer birthdays in exchange for more frequent naps.

And why should Australians be forced to celebrate their birthday on the same day every year, just to appease the Health Services Union bureaucrat who stamped their birth certificate?

Our current birthday laws are too complicated. Take the example of office birthdays. Small businesses are burdened with 365 different birthday-related awards (and in some years it’s 366), and once you add cake preferences, it’s an impossible mish-mash of customs and duties. To reduce this compliance burden, Australians will be able to bring their own birthday cake to work on any day they choose, and it will be the employee’s responsibility to provide candles, plates, napkins, and to make sure everybody gets a piece.

But there will be safeguards. Under the legislation, nobody can be forced to celebrate their birthday, and to protect children, persons under 18 will still need to have their birthday signed-off by a parent or guardian.

Finally, to eliminate the politically-correct affirmative action policies of previous governments, the right to choose what age you are will no longer be the sole preserve of women. Male birthday recipients will be permitted to claim they are 39 for as many years as they wish.

ClockChoices: Unlike the bad old days of compulsory synchronisation, workers will have the freedom to negotiate an individual time zone agreement, to suit their local conditions. This will increase productivity, and simplify the task of managing a large workforce, since everyone will be on time by definition.

VoteChoices: We’ve saved the best ’til last. To protect the foundations of Australia’s democratic system of government, all votes will be subject to a new test of minimum provisions. Basic votes, such as those for the Liberal or National Party, will be protected by law.

All other votes will be subject to a correctness test by the new Department of Democracy, to be headed up by Minister Kevin Andrews.

Under VoteChoices, votes may be disqualified if the Minister forms a reasonable suspicion that the votes are associated with persons of unsound character, such as unionists, conservationists, or those who frequent disreputable houses such as the Senate.

Votes for parties that are not covered by the minimum provisions may be negotiated away, but only after adequate compensation is paid to the voter, as determined by the Department of Democracy.

Votes against Coalition Ministers will be subject to a fairness test. If the Department of Democracy judges that it would be unfair to the Minister to lose their seat before they qualify for a lifetime air travel gold-pass, then such votes will be struck down.

Finally, changes to the Electoral Act will ensure the integrity of electoral rolls. Voting will be restricted to persons whose identity has been established by a bona fide donation to the Liberal or National Party and who are enrolled by the Tuesday prior to the second new moon before the Prime Minister calls the election.

VoteChoices is based on a simple principle: We will decide who votes in this country, and the manner in which they vote.
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This election, Australians have more choice than ever. We trust they will choose wisely.