Busker puts woman in box and then does handstand on box. Melbourne is arty.
Statue of Sir Edward “Weary” Dunlop braving a hot afternoon. Melbourne has lots of statues.
A grassy clock that tells everybody the time and what city they’re in. Melbourne has a grassy clock.
There has been controversy surrounding the treatment of animals at Melbourne Zoo of late. Melbourne has a zoo with a bear in it.
Celebrating multiculturalism in Federation Square. Melbourne is multicultural.
Horses take tourists for a ride. Swanston Street often smells like a stable.
They only keep it for the bile.
Thrills beyond your wildest dreams, eh Darlene? As cities go, Melbourne’s a class act alright. Excitement Capital of the Southern Hemisphere.
And you’ll be able to get a good feed when the sun goes down too.
Word ’round the traps says the tucker’s rooly grouse.
Sydney called. It wants its metallic-y grey statue guy back to startle the tourists at Circular Quay please.
I had a special Melbourne routine for distressed visitors. I took them to the Butterfly House at the Zoo or to afternoon tea at the Windsor, or, in cases of extreme trauma or distress, both.
Butterflies followed by chocolate eclairs. Never known to fail.
And if that Visitor Centre woman-in-a-box trick is indicative of how Melbourne treats its Visitors, well, forget it.
And, wait, where are the photos of people in top-hats and evening dresses chasing each other through hedges? That’s the Melbourne I saw in the ads – that’s the Melbourne we expect!
Well, I fell in love with Melbourne immediately when I came to live here. The clock is telling you know. Melbourne has a strange mix of cosmopolitan big city and provincialism that is quite attractive once you live here for a while, and the floral clock is a reminder of that kitch small town feel that still exists in here. The clock is now a forgotten feature that used to be a tourist highlight of the 1950’s being printed on souvenir tee towels, now forgotten by tourist but still maintained and its display regularly changed by garden staff.
Id anyone tried to remove it all hell would break lose, a bit like that daggy piece of sculpture that you had on the mantlepiece for ever, but you have grown so confortable with it over the years that you could not even think of parting it. Melbourne is like that.
In regards to Swanston Street smelling like a stable try to play ‘dodge the horseshit’ when you are riding your bike in there.
I love living here.
Why this is Melbourne, nor am I out of it.
Pah!
Melbourne doesn’t have a sculpture to match this
http://theworstofperth.com/2007/10/27/when-it-all-goes-pear-shaped/
A floral clock of this crappiness
http://theworstofperth.com/2007/11/22/the-end-of-time/
A “cultural centre” of this quality
http://theworstofperth.com/2007/11/17/cultural-cringe-vs-fed-square/
Or a treasure of multicultural empathy like this national treasure
http://theworstofperth.com/2008/02/14/national-disgrace/
I’ll have to give Melbourne the horses, but as for the rest, The Worst of Perth reigns supreme. Melbourne needn’t bother.
Melbourne isn’t nearly as “multicultural” as Sydney. Im many parts of Melbourne, multiculturalism still means an ethnic face among many many more Anglo faces. Which, when you think about it, isn’t all that different compared to the rest of the country.
Well, Bob, according to the 2006 census, here are the breakdowns:
Sydney residents, 31.7% born overseas.
Melbourne residents, 28.9% born overseas.
If you can pick the difference simply walking down the streets of the two towns, then you must have a very keen eye for detail.
And don’t neglect the fact that among that 31.7% born o/s Sydney has the lion’s share of New Zealanders, whose presence in Sydney makes “Australia’s world city” feel at least as multi-cultural as Dubbo.
I must confess, in all my travelling around this country I have never visited Melbourne. Being from a small town, taking a wrong turn in Sydney and ending up stuck at the base of the Harbour bridge in peak hour traffic was sufficiently harrowing to put us off going into another big city. So we diverted around Melbourne instead.
I would like to see the bushy clock and the zoo with the bear in it. We only have a power station, two alumina plants, a smelter, three coal-loading facilities, a couple of chemical plants and a smelly shale oil refinery and these are rather ordinary once you’ve seen them once.
Melbourne sounds nice. Maybe we’ll camp on the outskirts and take public transport (is the public transport better and less confusing than Sydney’s?)
Photo #6 is the public transport…
Is the woman still in the box when they open it? (Do they ever re-open the box?)
Would Melbourne by any chance be williong to accept statues of Captain Cook, Governor Phillip, La Perouse or Bennelong. Unlike Batman none of them were mad or dying from syphilis.
Sydney has (or had – I haven’t been there fror years) a garden-clock at Taronga Park Zoo.
Which brings me to the bear. (Bears?) Can it (they) get out of the bear pit? And if it (they) did, would (they)it be friendly?
The reason JWH didn’t want to live in Canberra was it was too close to multicultural Melbourne. At least in Sydney Mr. Howard knew where they (the multicultural people) were and he could avoid them.
Sydney only has trains and cars. They are slower than a horse and cart for reasons it would be ungracious to go into, so Sydneysiders have a more relaxed lifestyle.
In any case I live in the bush and don’t really have to worry about any of this.
Nice post, Darlene.
*lurk mode off*
The lady in the box is called Rani and the chap is Dan, they have an act called The Great Gondos. They’re the hardest working vaudevillians(?) in Melbourne, lovely folk and extremely skilled.
They regularly host a Saturday night cabaret at Lentil as Anything restaurant at the Abbotsford convent, Dan is currently doing his solo show at the Butterfly Club.
(BTW- Rani is a contortionist and gets in and out the box by herself
Ah, The Butterfly club. A fantastic place.
I’m now a regular visitor to Melbourne as work sends me down there every month. Got to say I quite like the city. One night FXH showed me the around the CBD and it is far more interesting than Sydney.
If anyone had suggestions re eating and a few drinks in Melbourne let me know. I’ll be sure to check them out next time I’m in town.
Worst of Perth (8), that sculpture is truly appaling but I believe we here in Central Queensland can top it.
Next town up the road is Rockhampton, supposedly the beef capital of Australia. Accordingly, it has a large statue of a bull at the north and south entrances to town. No bull would be complete without a large, dangling set of bull parts and these were fitted to both statues. One night, someone smashed a pair off and took them. This happened several times until the local council decided to insert a threaded rod between the bull’s legs and simply screw the new pair on. A craze began where the bull’s balls became a collectors item and theft of bullock’s bollocks grew so regular that now they apparently send a bloke round to unscrew them each evening and refit them each morning.
But the best bit was when we drove through early one morning to see that someone had painted them blue and tied a big yellow ribbon around them.
The things people do for amusement in regional areas.
“They only keep it for the bile.”
That’s a good one, Craig
“Thrills beyond your wildest dreams, eh Darlene?”
At my age Enemy C, I don’t have any wildest dreams
Mercurius, Sydney is not getting our “Weary”. Get you own
Afternoon tea at the Windsor. Lovely
Nice summation of Melbourne, Guido
. I agree. I just rode my bike into the city and I can tell you I ain’t going anywhere near Swanston Street.
True, Bob. It does depends where you are (indeed if you live in the inner-city one area is very multicultural while others aren’t at all). And those stats Katz are evidence to what you said.
Acca the Dacca, tops.
The Worst of Perth, that made me laugh and laugh. Great pictures. Public Transport in Melbourne, right, let’s get started
.
It’s probably better than Sydney’s, but that wouldn’t be hard. If you are travelling in non-peak hour times it’s not too bad, but prepare to be a sardine standing next to tons of harried office workers at other times. Also, Melbourne no longer has conductors, but has ticket inspectors. They pop up at unexpected times and wave their badges around. Always have a valid ticket or do what the goth who was on the tram ticketless one day did and say you don’t know how to use the machine because you’re from Dandenong.
In relation to Lang’s comment, catching the horse and cart would be quicker than catching the tram in peak hour.
Thanks, Paul
. That bear would rip your head off. I’m happy to report that the woman is out of the box and alive. She’s very flexible that gal. Thanks to brainspace for letting us know about those talented performers. Hello to Rani and Dan.
“And, wait, where are the photos of people in top-hats and evening dresses chasing each other through hedges? That’s the Melbourne I saw in the ads – that’s the Melbourne we expect!”
Mercurius, take the tram to Toorak to see that.
Shaun, head down Sydney Road at Brunswick or Lygon Street. Tons of eateries.
Boy from Flynn, that’s hilarious. Painting them blue and tie a ribbon around them sounds like a top night out. What happened to the Big Cow?
Boy from Flynn,
Its stories and antics like those with the bull that remind me why I love Australia.
Shaun,
Don’t get me started:
- Rumi in East Brunswick – sensational lebanese food – need to book well in advance, but good prices, lovely cafe style atmos.
- Movida in CBD – possibly the most conistently good joint I know in melbs – modern Spanish, have never ever had a dud bite, or drink there. Heartily recommended.
- Enoteca in Nth Carlton – again, model of consistency and quality – Italian food – a tad pricey, but good for a blow-out.
- Carlisle Wine Bar – East St Kilda – that word again – consistency. Good bistro food, really good wine list, a bit too “buzzy” for me, but if you can ignore the hubbub and hunker down with pals, it’s a beaut.
I’ve lived here for years, and still discover fine new eateries regularly. Haven’t been to FXH’s place for Chinese worker’s meal cooked in his kitchen yet. Member’s only perhaps?
And as Darlene recommends, there are streets that are groaning with an ever evolving selection – Victoria St in Abbotsford, or Barkly St in Footscray for Vietnamese come readily, and yummily to mind on a hot day like today…
Shaun – Try the Mixed Don or Sushi at
Sushi Ten
Ph: (03) 9639 6296; Shop 14-15 Port Phillip Arcade, 228 Flinders St, MELBOURNE 3000
followed by a coffee around the corner at Degraves….
Depends where you are. The faces get pale in Sydney when you go north, in Melbourne when you go East.
The public transport in Afghanistan is better and less confusing than Sydney’s
Is that the “Run, Rabbitt, Run” ad? I think that’s for the Dandenongs or some hilly hinterland. Never seen a top hat there once. Nice in Autumn tho’.
>
For my money this is Melbourne’s ugliest statue.
Oh my that is a weird statue. The black and gold looks really cheap.
Yep its the gaudiest thing. And all the tourists love it!!!
>
Maybe it part of the “Let’s Have A Laugh At Australians: Their Taste is Terrible” bit in the slideshow.
>
My favourite bit of outdoor scultpture:
http://www.cnarts.net/artfair/eweb/2005/news/readnews.asp?id=50
Scroll 2/3 down the page under Geoffrey Bartlett. Next to the Yarra across from the Crown Casino.
I like that La Trobe statue.
Here’s the first representative of Crown Authority waving nothing more than a flimsy copy of the Government Gazette at a weird community that consisted of trespassers, pirates and outlaws.
He’s in his ceremonials, but he’s armed with only a booklet.
He imposed the rule of law on Port Phillip District with the aid of very little force, which included, by the way, a brigade of Aboriginal mounted troopers who had the right to arrest anyone, especially whites.
He was a learned, scholarly man who took control of an out-of-control land grab and established the framework of administration that coped well enough with the richest goldrush in human history. Hence, I suppose, his gold face shining above his drab ceremonials.
And his plinth is such an understatement.
Dalene, they reckon they get a pretty rough crowd in after dark at The Undebelly Bar&Grill in Lygon St. If you pop in for a spag bowl, better not make eye contact with anybody except staff.
There’s no such thing as rough crowd on Lygon St.They’re all at the corner of Faraday and Rathdowne.
I suppose Melbourne’s OK. It’s not Paris, London or New York it’s true, but it’s a first rate second rate city, up there with Seattle, Vancouver, Zurich and all the other burgs that regularly populate the EIU’s top ten most livable cities survey. Our top end licensed brothels are world-class too.
If Sydney’s a dog “Woof! Woof! Wet nose in crotch. Who’s up for a good shit! Party! Party! Why don’t we do it the road! Parteee!” then Melbourne’s a cat “Round the corner, if you can find it. And no, I’m not waiting for you.”
“If anyone had suggestions re eating and a few drinks in Melbourne let me know. I’ll be sure to check them out next time I’m in town.”
Hmm… what do you feel like eating and drinking? In what way and mood? Even the bloody Cave Clan have their own invite only underground bar. The range and variety of drinking establishments here do measure up to a first rate first rate city. Next time you’re in town let FX Holden and I take you for a sunset martini at the Blue Diamond. And then onto Dracula’s Theatre Restaurant.
“And, wait, where are the photos of people in top-hats and evening dresses chasing each other through hedges? That’s the Melbourne I saw in the ads – that’s the Melbourne we expect!”
Yes, we don’t get to see much of the interstate and international advertising but it seems to be working according to an unbiased source.
As for gallivanting through mazes in evening dress, it’s a bit like Russia, you have to get to know the locals to be invited to such jolly hijinks. However, if you feel like a bonk on a grave, I recommend the Hotham Road end of the St Kilda Cemetery where the willow trees completely drape some large smooth tombstones. (Strangely enough Tourism Victoria have never taken up my offer to write a guide to the best spots for al fresco friskiness in Melbourne.)
“For my money this is Melbourne’s ugliest statue.”
Yes, this is much better one of Chuckie La Trobe. Now on playdis at Werribee Sculpture Garden.
Personally I reckon Melbourne would be much more interesting if it had kept its original name – Bearbrass. Imagine the straplines for advertising a product called that.
Our top end licensed brothels are world-class too.
>
Voice of experience perhaps.
Darlene, they don’t have a big cow. Sexist isn’t it? The cow should be standing on the plinth beside the bull. With unscrewable udders of course lest a new craze start. Central Queensland University is located in Rockhampton, my bet is that 90% of the missing objects are on trophy shelves in the uni dorm.
Paul, yep Australia is a fantastic place. I love it and I like having a job that although being rather low-paying, has a very good leave system that allows me to travel around several times a year meeting extraordinary (and sometimes strange) people, and visiting some pretty amazing places and accumulating experiences, that’s what life’s about.
Adrien, you’re spot on about the public transport in Sydney. We spent hours looking for a particular bus stop that had been removed during roadworks – and no bugger knows anything when you ask. I guess people in really big places mostly only leave their suburb to go to work. “Where’s the nearest service station mate?” – blank look. Taronga zoo’s pretty cool though.
In Sydney to get from one end of the city to the other via public transport requires an excellent credit rating and a medium sized loan.
>
Either that or your own crack empire.
Heh heh, the runaround is phenomonal. It took us nearly six hours on buses, trains and taxis to get to a Bendigo bank branch in a quaint little village out near the base of the Blue Mountains – only to be told by the manager “Oh, there’s a branch in the suburb next to the one you’re staying in”. Arrrrrrrrrrrrgh!!
“Voice of experience perhaps.”
Yes. An ex-nun who I met at a gay inner-city priest’s cocktail party (which I was dragged along to as a sample of the writing talent by the editor of a pop-culture magazine looking to rent premises off the diocese) was the weekend manager of The Daily Planet. She took a shine to me, as I did to her (I’m always partial to statuesque redheads with wit, spit and hips) and invited me for a guided tour one slow Sunday afternoon.
A very professional and thoughtfully packaged operation from the industrial strength laundry in the basement to the choice of debtors you want on your credit card statement to the well-appointed staff lounge with a cappachino machine and well used scrabble sets to where the panic buttons are hidden within the rooms. Apparently it’s very popular amongst visiting sportsmen who want to be serviced by fellow professionals with no comebacks, especially during the Australian Open and the Grand Prix.
However by law, Victorian brothels can’t serve alcohol. Which is probably sensible but does detract somewhat from the ambience. Though I’m sure slinging a few lobsters around would find a loophole or too.
I returned once dressed as Regional FBI Director Gordon Cole from Twin Peaks but that’s a long story. Or another Tourism Victoria surrealist ad.
Think I’ll give that one a miss, EC
Just eat your spag bol and leave.
Melbourne’s a cat…smart, does it’s own thing and looks down on humans. Sounds about right.
Boy, I thought there was a Big Cow up Nambour way. Mmmmm, perhaps I am mistaking it for the Pineapple. I don’t know. I seem to remember that Joh liked big things.
I like the upside down statue of La Trobe too.
All statues of blokes wearing ostrich plume hats should spend as much time upside down as the other way up.
BTW I think La Trobe would have enjoyed his inverted self. He believed that he saw a bunyip and carried bunyip bones to his place of retirement when he left Victoria.
Well, after 6 years, Keating Towers and Melbourne are well home for this wandering elitist jacobite. Its so self-evidently ace, I wont bother listing the advantages, or my innumerable, constantly growing list of favourite haunts.
More interestingly, perhaps, given that i’m an ex-brisbane boy, I might list the things I consider poor old under-rated Brisbane better at, and do occasionally miss:
1. Hills, a democracy of fine views for all!
2. Vietnamese restaurants. Victoria St Richmond be buggered. I eat my Vietyummies up North, preferably at Huongs, or Kim Thans. Frankly, its just better there.
3. House parties. (Admittedly, Melbourne has other things to do at night).
4. Occasional surf swim, within coo-ee.
5. Proper rain.
6. Decent river.
Aside from that – wild horses couldnt…
Yes, there was a big pineapple at Nambour Darlene but they took it away.
Joh WAS the big peanut.
Cairns has the Big Deckchair. On the way in from the airport, just past the Big Captain Cook and the Big Steak.
Wot, that’s it? You’ve all buggered off to bed, leaving me outside half a bottle of 12 year old sherry barrel-finished Glenmorangie on a sultry Melbourne night, listening to the Psychedelic Furs in my boxers?
*beat*
And how they got in my boxers, I’ll never know. But I suspect the subtle hand of the Paul Dainty Organisation
When I moved to Melburn for a ten stretch in 90, I got taken by my new housemates to see Dight’s Falls just down the road….they promised…. in the bewdiful Merri Creek parklands etc. I’d only been in the place a week or two.
Coming from a not topographically challenged city….
Anyway, walked down – and Dight’s Falls is a concrete step about 600mm high with this dire (back then) crick dribbling over. I thought it was a put on, some in-joke, until I saw the official sign.
I fell in love with Melburnians right then. These people had to be the most imaginative folk in the country.
“These people had to be the most imaginative folk in the country.”
Wait till you go for a paddle in the Harold Holt Swim Centre.
It’s no coincidence that Melbourne is the comedy capital of the universe.
“I like the upside down statue of La Trobe too.”
Yes, on the tram one day everyone copped a gawk at it and the general belief was that someone vandal had turned it upside down. Later read that the statue was meant to be upside down. The maker was making a statement about Melbourne’s attachment to statues of dead white males.
The Big Pineapple is no more. I’m gutted. It was a Queensland institution (errr, in many senses of the word).
Jo, thanks for that info about Dight’s Falls. Riding my bike the other day I saw that a sign said that the trail led to Dight’s Falls. I got excited and thought I’d take a look soon. Thinking that a Falls would be like a waterfall or something. Now I won’t bother.
I also like the statue in the King’s Domain of the military nob who appears to have misplaced all of his Land Rover except half the windscreen.
(He’s quite a portly gent as well.)
Yet he has a jaunty smile and matching swagger stick, forever in triumphal non-procession.
(I looked him up. It’s Thomas Blamey, closet fascist)
http://content.answers.com/main/content/wp/en/thumb/0/0a/180px-Thomas_Blamey_statue_Melbourne.jpg
via collins @ 21
Second your endorsement of Rumi’s, East Brunswick, corner of Lygon Street and Piera Street. Lebanese? Iranian? cuisine – delicious and distinctive. Quite small inside*
[Premises previously were an Italian restaurant, then bar (Giordano’s) run by a friendly host, slow and laid back.
Several good cafes near Rumi’s…. and the best gelati a few hunbdred metres southward in Lygon Street at “The Gelo Bar”*
ciao
* I declare no pecuniary interest in either, just like the area
Thanks for the suggestions folks. Last trip FXH tipped me to head up Brunswick St which I did. Had a nice stroll and then a nice meal. The next night found me at the Portland Hotel, as I’m a sucker for James Squire on tap, looking out the window and wondering why the Iron Maiden fans all seemed so young.
I should be heading back to Melbourne before Easter so a sunset martini sounds like an idea Nabs.
Any thoughts on best place to get a kebab in Geelong anyone?
Good one wbb
Can’t help you with that, never been to, cough cough, Geelong.
I hear they have a football team in Geelong. How quaint.
wbb – drive to Melb, there’s a great one on Burwood Rd near cnr of Auburn Rd in Hawthorn run by some turkish expats… $5 Kebab on a monday or wednesday night, huge serves, real meats on a spit (not minced stuff), homemade turkish delicacies, homemade turkish breads for the kebabs (not some dodgy wrap thing). Cannot be beat… except for their customer service, it sucks
Drop round the corner to the Geebung Polo Club for a beer afterwards (or eat there even, good food too though their whiskey selection is appallingly small). Goodish selection of foreign beers on tap.
Or beer followed by kebab…
#17, boy from Flynn. There is a sheep with huge nurries somewhere that has the same problem as your Rocky bull. I still prefer my aboriginal arse scratcher though. Perth has many others of similar standing. Have a look at my worst sculpture or worst public art categories if you have the chance.
Darlene, thanks for your laughter, but remember, someone has to live across the road from that sculpture.
Andrew, the Worst of Perth.