The following is a work of fiction and any resemblance to an actual Australian university is purely a coincidence. 
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A group of researchers at an Australian university, inspired by Olaf Stapledon’s novel Sirius about an intelligent dog, decided to attempt to genetically engineer a tiger with human intelligence.
They succeeded in breeding a tigress who could read, write, speak several human languages, and program computers. To their great delight, the tigress subsequently gave birth to a litter of four cubs, all of whom inherited her abilities.
When the cubs were fully grown, the researchers obtained employment for the family of five tigers in the university’s office of information services. The information services manager welcomed the tigers, and assured them that she had made arrangements for their special dietary needs to be met by the university’s catering arm.
After a month, the information services manager sat down with the tigers to inform them that their work had been excellent and that they were now to be employed permanently as software engineers. However there was a somewhat sensitive matter which she had to raise with them.
“Ah, I’ve received an email this morning saying that some students missed out on some very important tutorials because their sessional tutor has gone missing and nobody knows their whereabouts. I don’t suppose you’d know anything about that.”
To her great relief, the tigers all replied “No.”
After the meeting, Mum Tiger led the family outside and said to them in a low snarl “OK, which one of you has been stupid enough to eat a sessional?”
One of her two sons put his paw up and said “It was me, Mum. But what else could I do? There was no way I could survive on the crummy stuff the catering department serves us!”
“Yes,” said his mother, “but why couldn’t you do what the rest of us have been doing? In the past month we’ve eaten 2 Deputy Vice-Chancellors, 5 Pro-Vice-Chancellors, 9 Deputy Deans, 4 Academic Group Finance Managers, 27 Academic Group Finance Consultants and the Payroll Services Manager, and nobody’s noticed a thing. Now you have to blow the whole thing wide open by eating a bloody sessional!”
I would just like to say that this made me chuckle.
Bet those academic fat cats would have provided a large and hearty meal….nice funny for a Wednesday afternoon, Paul.
If the tigers were employed by the Bjelke-Petersen Memorial University of Suburban South-East Queensland, they could supplement their PVC pies and roast DVCs with a side order of Anti-Discrimination Officer, and remain unnoticed.
Said university has affixed to the backs of toilet cubicle doors signs which, in English, Mandarin, Cantonese, Japanese, Korean, Javanese, Hindi and Arabic, admonish the reader as follows:
The signs are laminated and are enclosed within perspex panels.
The university provides no such advice in European languages other than English, or in African languages. However, it has taken the trouble to ensure that the injunction against squatting and standing up is prominently displayed in the wheelchair accessible toilet cubicles.
And unlike the opening post, I’m not making this up.
Paul, somehow for the Bjelke-Petersen Memorial University of Suburban South-East Queensland that all seems appropriate. The mind boggles.
Perhaps the only time people stand on the toilet at said University is when they are trying not to be seen when the Dean comes in looking for lecturers who are cutting classes.
Turn taps off after use????? What for
Fiction schmiction.
And this is relevantish, if there’s anyone left in the world who hasn’t heard it yet.
Is the tale of the toilet poster not true, PC?
The tale of the toilet poster has too much detail to have been made up, not that I have been to the Bjelke-Petersen Memorial University of Suburban South-East Queensland for some years now. When I said ‘fiction schmiction’ I was referring strictly to the opening line of Paul’s post.
gggrrrrrowllllll !!! keep eating, you plucky cubs
Two items in this story are a dead giveaway that it is fictional:
a) The phrase “very important tutorials”
and
b) Students complaining that their tutor was missing!
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Paul, if you had only refrained from including such fanciful embellishments, you would’ve had me completely convinced!