The Political Compass is a now-venerable internet quiz of people’s political leanings. But, like certain public broadcasters we know, it is vulnerable to accusations that it fails to give full voice to the rich panoply of views that are vital to any living democracy.
If, like me, you are annoyed by the lack of representation for respectable conservative opinion online, you may find the corrected Compass over the fold more to your liking.
Hint: The correct answers are (c) and sometimes (d).
1. Margaret Thatcher is:
a) The former British Prime Minister from 1979-1990.
b) The subject of Ben Elton’s comedic output from 1979-1990.
c) Hot
2. Genghis Khan was:
a) The uniter and leader of the Mongol Empire.
b) A BBQ restaurant you liked before it was cool.
c) A pussy
3. My main source of campaigns funds was:
a) A brown envelope stapled to the casino development application.
b) Proceeds from the Byron Bay annual tofu bake-off.
c) Phillip Morris
4. The best person to be next President of the USA is:
a) Barack Obama
b) Hillary Clinton
c) John McCain
d) A reanimated Ronald Reagan cyborg.
5. You can avoid making a racist statement by:
a) Addressing everyone as ‘Comrade’.
b) Acknowledging that a person’s behaviour arises from social, cultural, economic and individual psychological and genetic variables that transcend ethnicity.
c) Prefacing your remark with “I’m not racist, but…”
d) “What? I’m only stating a fact that caucasians are over-represented amongst paedophiles – are you too politically correct to handle the truth?”
6. “Western Civilisation” is:
a) A claim that a disparate range of ideas which arose independently over millennia are in fact a single intellectual inheritance in an unbroken line from Homer to Harold Bloom.
b) Like Eastern Civilisation but you can wear your shoes indoors and use a fork.
c) Something that Aborigines are fortunate to have encountered.
7. Darwinism is useful for explaining:
a) The origin of species by natural selection.
b) Why all the family-run stores have been replaced by Westfield.
c) The dominance of Western Civilisation over everybody else.
d) Why scientists are eugenicist Nazis who denigrate God’s creation.
8. Crime and punishment is best handled by:
a) A system of open trial before a jury of peers.
b) Judge Judy.
c) Four teams of horses pulling in opposite directions.
d) The Herald-Sun.
9. The most effective way to make a point is:
a) Rigourous analysis and interpretation of evidence.
b) Wit, humour and empathy.
c) CAPS LOCK.
10. Ad hominem argument is:
a) When a debating opponent suggests your argument is deficient due to real or perceived character flaws that they ascribe to you.
b) I know you are but what am I?
c) A rhetorical trump card that means you automatically win if you are the first to accuse your opponent of making an ad hominem argument.
d) An assault on the foundation of our society, in which marriage is between a man and a woman.
11. Climate Change is manageable if we:
a) Ascertain how human activity might affect climate.
b) Build an Ark.
c) Turn up the air conditioning.
12. Criticism of Israel is justifiable if:
a) The State of Israel has acted in defiance of international statutes.
b) The State of Israel has just bulldozed your house.
c) You are the Israeli Leader of the Opposition, but watch your mouth.
d) You love Hitler.
13. At Welcome to Country ceremonies, you:
a) Maintain a respectful silence.
b) Grin and bear it.
c) Sing God Save The Queen.
14. In literature, postmodernism is:
a) A theory that holds the meaning of text remains deferred from direct view because the words get in the way. This is akin to Godel’s Incompleteness Theorem in mathematics, which proved that the logical completeness of a formal system cannot be proved within the terms of the system itself. It gets all meta from there. See also the scene where Neo meets The Architect in The Matrix Reloaded.
b) If Marty McFly went back in time and killed John Connor’s grandparents, the Aliens would defeat the Predator and take over the world, only to be later overrun by the Cylons. Discuss.
c) The one after modernism.
d) The leading cause of gobbledygook.
15. I would rather be President of:
a) Bermagui Bowling Club
b) A tropical People’s Republic whose only viable industries are rum and cigars.
c) The Free State of Patriots Against Taxation, 3 miles off the Interstate 92 down a fire service road, Montana.
16. The End of History will occur when:
a) Workers control the means of production.
b) Rupert Murdoch controls the means of production.
c) The Saved are lifted into Heaven.
d) “Mad Dog” McHawkins returns to crush Bubba “The Beast” McLean in WWF’s Grudge Match of Century!
17. If a new acquaintance remarks “Gee, it’s hot today!”, your usual reply is:
a) “Why, yes it is. So, what do you do?”
b) “Why, yes it is. However the fact that the temperature on a given day seems unseasonably hot or cold does not of itself constitute evidence one way or the other for the proposition of anthropogenic global warming.”
c) “COMMUNIST!”
18. In the second verse of the National Anthem, the line “…for those who’ve come across the seas/we’ve boundless plains to share“, means:
a) What it says.
b) Wait…there’s a second verse?
c) Ahmet can choose from the boundless plains of Woomera, Port Hedland, Port Augusta, Villawood or Christmas Island.
19. Your comments sign-off handle is:
a) Your name.
b) A wry one-liner.
c) WAKE UP AUSTRALIA!
HOW DID YOU DO?
If more than half your answers were (a) or (b), please listen to Neil Mitchell and Alan Jones, and read Bolt, Blair, Akerman and Mark Steyn until you are cured.
If more than half your answers were (c) or (d), congratulations! Your intellect has survived intact the brainwashing of the ABC, CSIRO, the Bureau of Metereology, the Fairfax meeja collective and your Marxist teachers. You are officially sane and can receive a stamp on your forehead as you leave. Please remember the Golden Rule: we don’t sniff the furniture in public – it upsets the luvvies.
Priceless.
My favourite bit is ‘It gets all meta from there’, under #14. I have never seen postmodernism explained so well in a single short sentence.
Actually, for 14 the correct answer is “e) All of the above”. Although you did preface it with “In literature”
Nice one!
I would definitely rather be President of Bermagui Bowling Club.
Pure gold.
Beat me to it Peter. I like all the answers to 14 too.
Nice work Merc.
Oops. I just corrected that to “a man and a woman”. Sorry. I was trolling for Mormons.
Re: Question 11
I never thought to just turn up the air con, seems we don’t need Kev’s electric cars after all.
I lived in Bermagui for two years. They have really good parties at the Bowling Club. I know, because I know I went to them, but I can’t remember them.
You made my day, thanks.
On a serious note, I’m a little disappointed you mentioned “post-modernism” and “Goedel” in the same sentence. One thing you certainly can’t use either of his theorems for is a justification for post-modernism, cultural relativism, or anything else much that isn’t mathematical. (He’s one of my heroes.)
Well, if I’m going to keep up my petty complaining about the misuse of words like ‘postmodern’, I suppose I’d better also support David in his quest to see that Goedel not become a part of any argument by analogy.
How about his cat, though?
/runs away
They’re in separate sentences!
Does this mean you’re OK with The Matrix Reloaded? Now I’m disappointed!
BTW, Goedel is one of my heroes too. But I can’t prove it.
Apologies. I was thinking of Schrodinger.
Schrodinger? Pfft.
*Washes paws*
Well, Schrodinger was only thinking of a cat, so I guess it evens out.
I dinna unerstan .. none of the naswers looked rite to me
The correct answer to (16) is of course (e) when Gough Whitlam dies.
OK, Mercurius, maybe not in the same sentence, but certainly in the same paragraph (which is nearly the same thing). And no, I didn’t much care for “The Matrix Reloaded”, except for the really cool fight scenes. It prolly would’ve been alright if I’ve had a couple of spliffs first, though.
Mercurius:
Thanks. Passed with distinctions all round …. so the tribe elected me worthy successor to our late brother and great king, Attila. We turn around and ride West again at the first glimmer of dawn.
Are you really
What about Catallaxy http://catallaxyfiles.com , or Ambit Gambit http://ambit-gambit.nationalforum.com.au , or even Tovarishch Bird himself http://graemebird.wordpress.com ??
Waves to Pavlov’s Cat
I wouldn’t be taking anything in this article at face value – larvatus prodeo and all that.
Asking someone “are you really…” in association with putatively comedic material is like asking Stephen Colbert “c’mon now, seriously, what would be your first act if you were elected President?”
And that goes double for you, David!
Mercurius:
L=O=L
[2. Genghis Khan was:
a) The uniter and leader of the Mongol Empire.
b) A BBQ restaurant you liked before it was cool.
c) A pussy]
or d) A One Hit Wonder Group from Germany who had a hit in 1980 with Moscow
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hDnLIYd0hZY
Can I suggest Question 20?
Government should be:
a) big enough to take care of everything, even before you think about it
b) small enough to escape from a boardroom and fit into your bedroom
c) only a proper noun, never a verb
d) us
Check out Moral Politics. I think the axes and the questions are more balanced and interesting.
West Civ is a broken ruptured wavy line that looks like it was made by crazy people for one very good reason: it was.
>
I took the political quiz test again. As usual I’m halfway between the Dalai Llama and Milton Friedman just left on the Eco axis and deep into the paint yourself blue and run around screaming I’m a teapot view of things.
>
Anything as long as I’m not in the upper left hand corner with Mugabe and Stalin: that corner’s a bummer man.
I am worried about the feline confusion in this thread, and propose a guide to Cats, as follows.
1. Pavlov’s Cat is here, in this thread.
2. Schrödinger’s Cat is both there, and not there.
3. Goedel’s Cat can never be all there.
4. Genghis Cat consolidated most of Eurasia as his territory, but the neighbouring toms objected.
nah nah nah: evahbodee kno
Pavlov’s Cat is highly conditioned.
an
Ghengis Khat is in KhatMandu
Hm. Is it wise for a sparrowhawk to attract the attention of a cat? (Whether postmodern or otherwise, and in or out of a box.)
Nyet. I am in terrible condition.
Reading that four and a half hours ago has just sent me on one of the strangest YouTube expeditions I can recall. From Dschingis Khan (who had more than one hit, actually) singing Moskau in English and Deutsche (“Moskau, Moskau / Komm wir tanzen auf dem Tisch / Bis der Tisch zusammenbricht / Ha ha ha ha ha, hey!”), to Space: 1899 to George Méliès trips to the moon and conjuring tricks to a film of Seoul in 1899 to The Wizard of Oz (1910 version) to Das Kabinet des Kaligari to the 1924 film of The Lost World and back to to a Japanese teen pop group’s cover of Dschingis Khan’s 1979 Eurovision Song Contest entry.
I don’t know if I should thank you or curse you, Mr Calabrese.
Got some sort of a problem here, I guess this is not quite as accurate as some of the other quizzes out there.
Now, I have a rep. for being about as right wing as they come, or at least not left, and I scored 12 A’s, 4 B’s and three none of the aboves, or maybe two and I will give 14 a D, as demonstrated by A & B.
Sigh, I guess I got some work to do on attitude adjustment.
Although, I have always thought Gorbachev was a bit strange in finding Maggie hot.
This might help.