Picture: The 112 West Preston-St Kilda tram
Melburnians regularly talk about the old days of tram travel.
These were the days before a tram trip could result in having to give your name and address to a “customer relations officer” because you’re either a fare cheat or forgetful*.
Although the old days of having conductors on trams were probably not that great, they surely beat the current approach.
Not long ago while at the Melbourne University stop, I witnessed the somewhat odd sight of a bunch of uniformed inspectors emerging from a small white van.
The inspectors walked around looking all official, they fined one young woman, called the police on one old bloke who refused to provide his name and glared at nearly everybody else.
The net result of this effort was one upset young woman, one cranky old man, and many, many unnerved/relieved students.
While Louisa Deasey, a freelance writer published in The Age on 15 July 2008, might be suffering a case of nostalgiaitis (if symptoms persist take a Bex and have a good lie down), it’s hard to disagree with her point about “drunk guys on trams”:
Can a machine give directions? Help you up the stairs if you have lots of bags, a pram, a disability? Can a machine welcome you to the city? Bring those travelling on the tram into a feeling of camaraderie over a situation that just occurred on the corner of Collins and Spring with a street performer on stilts?
Aside from these romantic examples, can a machine stop the drunk guys sitting next to me from swearing loudly and throwing a football down the tram aisle or, worse, cans of Coke at each other, splashing me in the process?
The presence of a conductor on a tram might at least offer some sense of security against the various “colourful” characters regularly encountered on trams.
Let’s face it; trips on trams can be unpleasant enough thanks to the modern affliction of not knowing that there’s a time to shut up**, without having to deal with even more obnoxious types.
Also, if conductors were employed again would horrendously overcrowded services stay that way for long?
I doubt it.
*You could be a certain Goth who tried to beat the rap by telling the inspector that he was from Dandenong and thus didn’t know how to use the machine. This chap then added that he didn’t think he could ask any of the other passengers how to use the machine because they didn’t look friendly enough. He got fined.
**You could be the young woman who seemed keen to have a loud argument with her mother over the telephone about some very serious family matters. While it was easy to feel very sad for this girl and her plight, it can also be unpleasant and a tad frightening to be in the vicinity of such anger.
You might be interested in Andrew Norton’s post on an article in The Age – different writers, same subject. He made some arguments there that convinced me that a return to the conductor system of old mightn’t work, and would probably be counter-productive. Where I did disagree with him (sort of) was on the point that you raised here, too – that the presence of conductors might be a deterrent to drunks and other unpleasant/anti-social passengers. (And almost anything would be preferrable to the current ticket inspectors we have – they manage, somehow, to be both arrogant and almost completely useless.)
“there’s a time to shut up**”
I was on public transport recently and a bloke was arguing long and loud on the phone with his ex about how much maintenance he was going to give her.
“I told you, I can’t afford 300. I’ll send 100″
That he had the most annoying South Yorkshire accent made it even worse.
It’s annoying, but when you’re on public transport, you have to deal with the public.
Thanks for that link, Tim.
Ewww, why couldn’t that bloke have turned his phone off or told the chap he couldn’t speak about the child support thing at the moment because he’s on a tram?
That’s true, Jobby. Sad, but true. Given the number of people on trams who seem incapable of saying “excuse me” (perhaps they get some joy out of pushing people), the public are revolting.
Down East Armidale way,(NSW) we got bus drivers – and very few buses because the uni is way at the other end of town, so you have to catch a taxi or walk for about three quarters of an hour.Plus they keep changing the trimetables without telling you. The joys of country life!
Of course, Darlene is being ridiculous!
That is not a picture of the The 112 West Preston-St Kilda tram!
…That is a picture of the 7.35 Loop train from Footscray!!
Oh gawd, so you have bugger-all services in the bush, Paul?
Good one, Helen
You’ll find that this is the “7.35 Loop train from Footscray!!”
I never minded the footy or the Coke, it was the vomiting I couldn’t cope with.
I got on a bus once and there was a woman in the middle of an epileptic fit. Nobody had done a damn thing, they were all trying their best to ignore it.
There is the odd occasion that you’re pleasantly suprised though.
The 112 tram is one of the more interesting of Melbourne’s journeys. I remember once catching it in peak hour, packed to the gills of course. And there was this guy smoking the biggest spliff I’ve ever seen. No-one said a word. I think we just all cruised along on the contact high.
I don’t think the majority of conductors were as nice/helpful/amusingly eccentric as memory serves and I can’t warm that much to the push to bring them back.
The problem is the Authorised Officers, who treat their employers’ customers as though we’re criminals. Surely it would make sense for them to give us punters the benefit of the doubt, every opportunity to buy a ticket and only fine people as a last resort.
I once freaked an Authorised Officer out completely. I didn’t have a ticket because I didn’t have any coins with which to buy one. Before said AO could approach me, I approached him with $5 in my outstretched hand saying, ‘I’d love to buy a ticket. Please could you help me?’ Of course he couldn’t, but neither did he fine me. The more he questioned me about my lack of ticket, the more vehement I became about my desire to buy one. He finally ran away in confusion. But that wouldn’t work on all of them. He must have been a softy.
What is all this crap about Tram Conductors?
Again I have to say that re-introducing Tram Conductors is a great idea, and taking them off was a bad idea. There are lots of advantages in having them around.
But it seems that in their absence the connies have somewhat gained some sort of mystical quality. In Louisa Deasey wrote ‘Conductors were like gentle stand-by guardians’. In yesterday’s Age Catherine Deveny writes how much our spirits would lift if they came back.
And of course you have websites such as ‘I prefer a Tram Conductor‘ which state that ‘Tram conductors were custodians of Melbourne’s soul.’
Another example is from letter writer (which I think I have met in a previous job, actually a nice bloke) Larry Stillman from Elwood.
Now I have met Frenchies and Robertos when I was riding trams, but I also met some some real bastards in my time. Especially as a high school student you were often treated shabbily by some pseudo-nazi connie which felt that finally they could exercise some authority because they were wearing a uniform and a leather bag.
Of course all the nice conductors probably went on to become gardeners and kindergarten teachers, while the pseudo-nazis went on to become the current ticket inspectors where they can exercise even more nasty power on commuters.
I remember connies refusing to help mothers with prams (where passengers had to do this), groaning if anyone asked for help or sadistically pull the cord even if there were passengers running for trams and being tantilisingly close to them.
The fact that while many enjoyed their job, many looked like they hated it. I suspected that it wasn’t their first choice, being on their feet all day selling tickets to passengers, who were mostly nice, but were also obnoxious and drunk.
So let’s not get all misty eyed through the nostalgic lens of the past. Conductors are a symbol of when governments were more willing to provide a service, rather than the philosophy of the bottom line and user pays. And that’s fine. But connies were like us. Some nice and some nasty. They were human, not some metropolitan transport angels.
Yikes, thanks for that mental image, PC.
It’s pretty depressing, Jobby. Most people are good. Perhaps there’s something about being on public transport that changes the human brain (i.e. gets rid of the human bit).
He was smoking a spliff? Nobody said anything?
I’ve encountered paint sniffers on the 112. It’s just an horrendous smell, and so sad to see people reduced to that.
Yes, it should be pointed out that the machines don’t give change. Tourists are always getting themselves into trouble because of that. The Officers vary in quality. You got a good one, or perhaps one who simply didn’t know what he was dealing with. I wouldn’t expect the conductors do be lovely and all that, I just think them being there would be better.
On the Bundoora tram I once saw a guy with a wheelchair talk his way out of getting a fine (he waved money around in the ticket inspectors’ face and put on a big show as if he thought he could buy tickets off them), and then talk them into helping him off the tram. Boy, was one of the ticket inspectors pissed at him – you should have seen her face.
Don’t know what the moral of that story is. If there is one. Apart from the obvious, which is that when it comes to some experienced fare dodgers, the inspectors just won’t know what to do.
The last time I was in Melbourne (July 2006) I noticed that the ticket machines at train stations were the same kind as were used until recently in Brisbane, i.e. they only took coins, and I don’t seem to recall seeing any change machines at the stations.
Brisbane train and bus ticket inspectors are reasonably civil these days, but a few years back they were responsible for carrying out a monomaniacal zero tolerance campaign against fare evasion, which led to such outrages as a young woman who had arrived at a station at night with only notes and no coins for the machine being turfed off the train as a “fare evader” at a station in an area near Ipswich where there had been a spate of reported sexual assaults at that time.
These and similar cases have led me to formulate Norton’s Law of petty tyranny: the pettier the tyrant, the more tyrannical the tyranny.
This is probably really wet, but I think converting the ticket inspectors to conductors would be a good thing if only on the principle that the inspector job turns probably quite decent people into shitheads and that’s not nice for them.
Put me down as another one who isn’t convinced by the Age’s nostalgia campaign. It’s all a bit too Michael Leunig. You used to get conductors who thought they could sing or had the right to tell you to smile… even though they didn’t always intervene in hooliganistic behaviour their uniformed presence probably put the dampeners on a lot of it, and they were reassuring at night.
“Given the number of people on trams who seem incapable of saying “excuse me” (perhaps they get some joy out of pushing people)”
I got shoved by one of our lovely transport officers recently – no excuse me, no sorry. She was the supervisor of a crowd of about 7 of them pushing their way onto an already crowded train.
Then I noticed the badges on their uniform said “Safety, Courtesy, Service”. Mmmmmm, guess she needed reminding about the courtesy bit.
Funny how the Met Nazis, aka Ticket Inspectors, are never on the sardine trams, but soon as there’s space to sit and travel comfortably, they barge on and bring everyone’s mood down. Sometimes I prefer the discomfort and risk of a sardine train, safe in the knowledge that ‘they’ won’t be jack-booting about intimidating their customers and making all of us (ticket holders and free-riders alike) feel like naughty school children.
“i.e. they only took coins”
They take $5, $10 and $20 notes
Well Nicki, there’s a lot to be said for the packed trains in that you don’t have to worry about falling over any more :-/ Not that you would have to worry if you were sitting down, but that’s just crazy talk.
I’m also worried by what appears to be the rickety-ness of the system on the line I travel. Between Kensington and Footscray station the side-to-side movement often becomes extreme and when the driver is trying to fang it I get exceedingly nervous and start to think about Frida Kahlo and whether a steel pole through my torso would lead to a stellar career as an artist or merely a less stellar career as a wheelchair bound blogger on permanent painkillers.
““i.e. they only took coins”
They take $5, $10 and $20 notes”
Yeah, but they only allow you to buy 1 ticket at a time, and are incredibly slow to issue it, which takes a queue of people a long time to get their tickets. I’ve been overseas (eg, Rome), where if you turn up with a large denomination note (say $50) and with family in tow, you could put in the $50 and use it to buy a couple of adult tickets and a couple of kids tickets, all in the one transaction, with teh tickets printed out and issued damn quickly.
As for arguments on mobiles, earlier this year on the Bundoora tram there was an indigenous guy giving what sounded like the Ministry of Housing (or whatever it’s called nowadays) a great serve, because he’d been waiting two years for a two bedroom flat and had finally been given a one bedroom flat. ‘You’re going to hear from my fucking solicitors’ etc etc he was yelling into the phone. But this was the day of Rudd’s apology, so after five minutes of swearing and infuriated ranting into teh phone came his coup de grace: ‘And what’s more this is fucking Sorry Day so you better fucking apologise!’.
A month or so later on the Bundoora train, mid-afternoon, some adolescent girls got on and began beating up an Indian student. The driver quickly stopped, came out of his cabin and broke it up. God, give me the 112 anyday.
TimT, it’s true. The inspectors go . I once saw an inspector not fine a young woman (a conventionally pretty one) after she just said she’d forget to buy a ticket. Imagine most people getting away with that. There’s no consistency.
The worse sight I’ve seen re: trams is the bloke running down Bourke Street being chased by some inspectors. He was ripping his clothes off yelling something about not having anything. Last I looked they were close to grabbing him.
“Brisbane train and bus ticket inspectors are reasonably civil these days, but a few years back they were responsible for carrying out a monomaniacal zero tolerance campaign against fare evasion, which led to such outrages as a young woman who had arrived at a station at night with only notes and no coins for the machine being turfed off the train as a “fare evader” at a station in an area near Ipswich where there had been a spate of reported sexual assaults at that time.”
That’s a shocker. So she was in an area near Ipswich with money at night on her own? Nice. It’s true; give people a badge and a little power and watch us go (it can happen to us all).
The good old days…Age style. Yes, the nostalgia is a nonsense.
PS – I saw Leunig at the shops the other day.
Why do people shove on the tram before people have even gotten off? Anway, that doesn’t surprise me about the Officer. Some of them seem nice and some of them are just rude (the job could do it to you I reckon).
As I recall they didn’t in July 2006, so they must have got new machines since then (as Brisbane has done).
It’s true, Nicki. The inspectors don’t want to get on the packed trams, for obvious reasons. Yep, they sure bring the mood down.
This one guy got fined and he yelled as they left, “thanks for ruining my day”. It was quite funny. Mind you, his aggressive behaviour hadn’t exactly lightened the mood either. The mood gets nasty when they’re around. I’d rather have a cranky conductor who checks everybody’s ticket on the way on than these roaming squads.
“A month or so later on the Bundoora train, mid-afternoon, some adolescent girls got on and began beating up an Indian student. The driver quickly stopped, came out of his cabin and broke it up. God, give me the 112 anyday.”
Well, I have to admit I’ve never seen that sort of thing. Worried about that sort of thing happening. Thank heavens the driver did something about it.
Another topic really, but I’m not sure what good it would do getting a solicitor about that housing matter. Given the lack of public housing, if all they’ve got is a one bedroom unit (for presumably one man) that’s all they’ve got.
Incidentally, a woman called out to a driver the other day “put more trams on” after it was revealed there wasn’t any more room on the tram, as if the driver controls such things. Ridiculous. I’ve been on the tram a number of times when this woman is driving and she’s always polite and does her best under difficult circumstances.
Incidentally, I believe Helen mentioned Critical Mass in another comments thread.
Getting on one’s bike is probably one good solution to this problem. Are you involved in Critical Mass, Helen?
No, the machines don’t take notes on the trams.
Sorry Guido, your comment was in moderation (probably the links).
I agree with your sentiments. It’s a nonsense to romanticise the conductors. They’d just be better, in my opinion, than the roaming squads we have now.
#23 – No, they don’t. And a small sticker on the door as you get on infroms you that it is your responsibility to carry change.
If anyone’s ever really skint but has to get somewhere, save up $3.50 worth of 5c pieces. You’ve done what they’ve asked, but the machine is programmed to give up and spit your coins out unless you get them all in within a specified time limit. It is not physically mossible to pay for a ticket with 5c pieces, or tens for a daily.
Not that I endorse this sort of behaviour, and I’m sure LP would also like to officially discourage it.
That’s right, not mossible at all.
Darlene @ 7,
Sometimes I hitch to town. The Aborigines always pick me up. (I live near the Mish.)
Thanks Darlene. My comments were not address at you in any way, as I agree with what you have written in your post.
My quibble is with what people here have referred to “The Age” view of conductors.
There is a letter in the letters section of ‘The Age’ which also expressed the same opinion:
Good tip, Redundancy Lad.
A few years ago when fare evasion was rife… Wil Anderson: “And in Melbourne, they’ve introduced free public transport!”
Glad to be of service Fine. Avoiding you is the name of the game.
I don’t really feel guilty anyway, I discovered this by accident when scraping my coin jar out was my only option. Now I just buy monthlies so I can relax and read my book instead of worrying bout the babylon.
Once I was standing at the door of a tram, waiting for my stop, when an inspector asked me if I had a ticket. I looked at him, put on my most apologetic expression, and said “No, I’m afraid not.” Then faced the door again, and just got off the tram when the tram stopped about 20 seconds later. Maybe he was new, or maybe he figured it wasn’t worth the hassle. But my, how I did titter later!
I must have grown up in the same Melbourne as Guido. Tram conductors in my Melbourne were often rude, unhelpful except to the most obviously helpless (ie. pensioners), and utterly indifferent as to whether patrons had a ticket during peak hour. Now and again you’d come across a real gem: helpful, pleasant to talk to, and diligent. Those types were few and far between, at least in my experience. We’ve been botching automated ticketing and fare enforcement for a long time down here in Melbourne, but let’s not kid ourselves that we enjoyed some personal service paradise pre-Kennett.
Paul/Spiros, some machines take notes, some do not. This has been the case for a decade. At train stations there has always been a mix of the two. On trams, only the coin-operated machines appear.
BBB
“must have got new machines since then (as Brisbane has done).”
and sold the old machines to NSW
“We’ve been botching automated ticketing and fare enforcement for a long time down here in Melbourne”
Not as badly as NSW has been botching it, I’ll bet.
And the highest change they give is $1 coins…
The one time I tried to pay with a $20, the machine gave me change of 10 $1 coins, the remaining $7 in 20 cent pieces and the automated sign started to read “Exact Change Only. Notes Only”.
The 86 was always my favourite line.
The 86 is also good if you want to catch a bit of on-board chroming. Nothing like the smell of paint whilst stuck in a confined space, really.
Must have missed that one myself, Nick! It’s more common on the trains, I think.
The 112 wins in terms of overcrowding, but the 86 has it hands down in the freaks department.
And when you hit the stop outside Safeway on Smith Street, you get a whole changing of the freak guard. I swear they’re nodding and winking to each other… “okay, you do the muttering obscenities to nobody in particular, I’ll spill the tinny of bourbon and coke down the aisle, and Sharon here’s gonna hit her kids”.
Twice in two weeks, Tim! Same guy both times, actually. Mostly just very sad, rather than annoying. Can’t really think of many worse things to do than taking up Chateau Krylon as your tipple of choice.
The tram that trundles through North Melbourne also has its share of chromers.
Mmm, perhaps we need conductors with people skills. No perfect solution to this one. Interesting letter from the woman in Brunswick, Guido.
Wow, Brett. Perhaps he appreciated your honesty.
I often see the same young bloke chroming (on the 112, outside the free brekkie place on Brunswick Street, etc). I don’t know how long it takes to fry one’s brain sniffing that stuff, but he must be running out of time.
Smith Street isn’t much fun. One probably sees a special sort of colourful folk at Piedmonte’s.
The Age’s nostalgia fluff is appalling when you realise it means packing one more sardine into a fourth-rate, totally shithouse sardine can system.
Human service is indeed superior service. But don’t bring it back until both LIberal parties drop the insanity of treating PT as a commercial entity.
That sardine in the top post picture, second from the bottom and pointing to the left, is no ordinary sardine. It is actually closer to God than the rest, and went on to become a Cardinal, to wear a hat, a bit like an apple cutting, on its head.
The worst case scenario would be The Age taking up the cause for the return of conductors. It would be like the Clean Up the Yarra Campaign. All Very Good, let’s establish our liberal credentials, but then let’s write an editorial supporting slaughter in Iraq. Oh, and some mention of Graham Perkin never goes astray.
And Darlene at 23, the whole black humour of the situation for all of those of us on the tram listening was precisely that neither a “solicitor” nor KRudd’s apology was going to help this poor guy in the least.
Quite right BBB. My memory of Kennett’s success in selling off Melbourne’s public transport was that it would get rid of the hated “conductors”. In response the tramways union and VTHC ran the “Save the Connies” campaign which portrayed the “conductors” as lovely, concerned and altogether nice people which was so far from peoples’ experience of them that it just reinforced Kennet’s message that if nothing else came of the privatisation of public transport at least we’d see the back of the “connies” and that reason alone was enough to back his program.
Yeah, I thought that promoting connies was prohibited under the annoyance laws.
No need for these pro-fare-lackeys on our profit-driven public transport conveyances!
…
(Apologies)
I can’t quite remember that being an argument for privatisation, GregM. But I don’t support the call to bring back connies myself.
When it comes to loud mobile conversations on public transport, I was on a train in France last year that had the best injunction against it. It was a poster utilising exactly the same style as Magritte’s ‘ceci n’est pas un pipe’. But instead it said ‘ceci n’est pas un megaphone’, with a drawing of a mobile phone. Very witty and subtle. Then I had to completely blow it by someone calling me and having a conversation on my mobile. Damn!
The problem is retards who think that because they’re having trouble hearing their phone, they must have to talk louder to be heard at the other end. In actual fact you can pretty much whisper and be plenty audible.
*Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring BEEP!*
- Oh, hi. I’m just on the blog. The BLOG, yeah, that’s right. I’ll be home in about 15 minutes.
- I’ll be HOME IN ABOUT FIF-TEEN MINUTES!
- I’M SORRY. I’LL HAVE TO SPEAK UP, I CAN HARDLY HEAR WHAT YOU’RE SAYING. THIS PHONE THING IS SO QUIET THAT…
- YEAH!
- HUH? WHAT’S THAT, SORRY?
- HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! THAT’S A GOOD ONE, HADN’T HEARD THAT BEFORE!
- ANYWAY, LISTEN MATE, CAN’T SPEAK LONG, SO HOW’S F___?
- HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! ANOTHER GOOD ONE! YOU’RE ON FIYAH TODAY, MATE!
- YEAH. YEAH. MMM HMMM.
- HANG ON MATE. JUST GOT TO GET OFF, THIS BLOG POST HAS REACHED MY STOP, AND NOW I’M JUST MOVING TO THE DOOR.
- WHAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT EVERYBODY IS LOOKING AT ME?
- HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! THAT’S ANOTHER GOOD ONE!
- SO ANYWAY…
(etc, etc, ad infinitum, ad nauseum…)
Tim, funny stuff
I don’t believe anyone on the blog will be home in fifteen minutes. And when they get home they’ll be back on the blog.
BTW, STOP SHOUTING.