Plenty of decent, talented writers/authors here…some…most…waiting to be discovered i imagine.

I really don’t want to adjudicate on a winner, and I’ve popped the dosh in to MSF for the donation! I’m wondering if it may be fun, though, to do that interesting internetty fiction thing and take one starter 300 words, and get others to continue the story… open source steampunk!

So I’ll ponder!

But any input/suggestions are most welcome!

To be honest I was taking the piss a bit based on the GAZE convo in a previous thread. Sawwy Kim.
I’ll take it more seriously next time. I give to that worthy charity anyway.

My beloved enjoyed it on Sunday morn tho…:)

OK, I dug 13, 11, 17, 12, 24, 33, 47, 16, 5, 18, 21, 23, 15…not particularly in that order tho…but close.

Great effort all. Plenty of decent, talented writers/authors here…some…most…waiting to be discovered i imagine.

there ain’t been no “cutlass-and-paste”

arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Are entries still open for extraordinary efforts?

See 54!

She stood before the assembled motely crue. Casting a baleful gaze over them it was all she could do to supress her disgust. If this was the best that she could find then she would need to make the ship shape ship mates.

“Errr…look…err…Miss Pirate” said one of the new crew. He was holding a electic guitar. “I’m not sure what we are doing here. One minute we were on our tour bus, laughing at Tommy Lee and next thing you know we find ourselves in the middle of the ocean on what appears to be a pirate ship.”

The Pirate Queen sighed and made a mental note that he would be the first to walk the plank if he played another hackneyed metal riff and got her name wrong again. “Look how many times do I have to explain this. You got caught up in temporal disturbance creating a rift between our two time streams. You ended up here. God knows where my crew went.”

The four newly assembled crew just looked on bewilderd. “No use worrying how you got here now” the Pirate Queen said sternly. “I need a crew and your it.”

“So what do we do know” asked Vince.

“You learn about pirating. Are we ready!”

The four muttered”I guess so.” “OK” “Do we get groupies?” “Anyone asked our manager about this.”

“Right. First lesson is…Creating synergy and brand awareness with our customers.”

“The typical pirate customer is likely to be a Spanish galleon. Market research has shown that there is significant consumer recognition of the jolly roger and…” She was interrupted by one of the band members again.

“I though you were a pirate queen. You sound like a marketing executive.”

The Pirate Queen dropped her eyes, they softened a moment with memory then hardened with the awareness of reality. “Yes. I was a marketing executive. In another life. But was before the time stream and this is now. Not much difference really. So, anyway the jolly roger as a brand has…”

…meanwhile, in another time stream, before a heaving mass of sweating patrons in a club four scruffy, some may say scurvy ridden men prepare to take the stage. All four a wearing garb not unlike that of your typical pirates. The drummer even has a peg leg.

“I be havin’ nay idee why we be here”

“It be th’ wanniond time stream”

“Aye. So what do we say t’ all this swabbies”

“I beleive th’ traditional greetin’ be “Arrrr Cleveland! Be ye ready t’ rock!”

“Me? I’m just a manifestation of your unresolved feelings for your father. The anthropomorphisation of your bitterness over his withholding of approval and your regret at not talking to him before his death.” The man in the white linen clothes paused, started to smirk and then burst into laughter. “Ha! No, I’m just fucking with you. It doesn’t matter when you come from in the time streams, it’s always funny.”

He pointed at the ocean. “See this. It’s not really water. And this? It’s not sand. That thing you’re keeping between you and I isn’t a tree either. And I’m not a man.”

“Yer not? Ye look…”

“Looks? Look at you, eh? Look like a Man, but really you’re a fucking animal. Rape and murder and all the evils inbetween.”

“Oh god!”

“No,” the man in white linen said with a wide smile. “But close. Of course, you look a little less human anyway, don’t you. Missing an eye, a hand, your teeth, and an ear. Have you never noticed how these things happen right after your little acts of inhumanity?”

“What happened to me? We was chasing a merchantman las’ I recall.”

“It wasn’t a merchantman, it was a privateer sent out by John Company. As soon as your ship came alongside they fired a broadside. A sliver of wood about so long embedded itself in your left shin.”

“I’m dead?”

“Not yet. Sooner or later though.” He seemed to go a bit vague and then refocused. “Your friends are about to do something. I’m easy with it and I imagine it will only give you more opportunity to become mine. Aloha…peg leg.”

“Wha…,” but the beach and the man disappeared in a white hot flash. “Arrrrrr!”

A woman in a white linen shirt sprayed with gore smirked at him from behind a dripping cutlass. “Easy, boyo.”

Nice work Japez!

“Fetch me a bodkin of the best aaarrrr . . . ale”.

“Certainly my queen. Are you feeling well, you seem to have caught Danny the Cutthroat’s cold.”

“I’m fine, aarrr. And if you whisper any thing of your suspicions, I’ll be onto my third mate for the day. But you had better bring me some whisky and lemon as well.”

“As you wish.”

“And quit yer prissy aarr aarr aarr manners quick smart”

“Certainly my aarr queen.”

my vote:
Best entry, #13 gilmae. The editors of “Metal-Hurlant” are applauding, somewhere.
Best surprise twist: tie between FDB and Mindy.

Dr. Cat: “#24. (Who was it really?)”

Really just a riff on John Cleese and/or the Two Ronnies, I guess. The opening gag was stolen from a Bugs Bunny cartoon. (”Shropshire Slasher,” a lot funnier in the original, I’m afraid…) Fun thread, excellent stuff from lots of people… Great idea, Kim! I’ll add an additional 50% donation to Kim’s original donation, if someone will write one more, that does a kind of postmodern deconstruction of the phrase “Arrrr”…

– j_p_z, practicing handicrafts on the deck of the hovercraft…

Better late than never.

“See you in Hell, Pirate Queen” he snarled in my ear as he shoved me roughly up the wooden stairs to the gallows. His peg leg made a thumping sound on the wood and I risked a small smile. I was pleased with that bit of work. Work hardened hands held me fast as the noose was placed around my neck and I heard the trapdoor release ratchet home. Suddenly the floor under my feet gave way and I …
… time slipped back into my chair at HQ. “Save it” I snapped to my crew who cowered before me. “Ssssorry Qqqqqueenie” Balthazar spluttered “we could see it happening but the time slip wouldn’t work and we thought we’d lost you”.

“No matter” I replied, not letting them see how shaken I was. “Two weeks as a Pirate Queen, then facing your own death on the gallows, some people will pay a lot of money for that experience. Let’s get it on the market immediately.”

“Geez Queenie, you don’t half smell” quipped Peter. He withered before my gaze. “I can’t believe a computer geek is giving me advice on personal hygiene” I replied. “Perhaps you’d like to spend two weeks as a Pirate Queen and see how many opportunities for washing you would take as the only woman on a ship with a dozen horny pirates?” He scurried off to get me a towel and I reached for my first real cup of coffee in two weeks. Bliss.

(Who was it really?)