I’ve felt quite uncomfortable watching a lot of the coverage related to the disappearance and death of Australian backpacker Britt Lapthorne in Dubrovnik. In particular, I wondered whether her mother, Elke, was really helping matters any by so publicly displaying her grief and distress – or rather, I wondered also at the ethics of both the media and its viewers in representing and consuming so immediately her emotional reactions. I honestly don’t think this sort of coverage – in Australia – would have had any effect on the investigation in Croatia, and I was wondering whether Ms Lapthorne was taking appropriate care of her own psychological well being by working through her emotions so publicly. It’s difficult to know how to write about these sorts of events – and I really wanted to just link to an excellent piece by Audrey Apple on “vicarious grief”.
I think that’s what saddens me especially about the case. Here is a human being afforded zero dignity in death; whose body has to be collected and identified in an incredibly decomposed state, subject to a media circus and the object of vicarious grieving from people taken by the moment.What saddens me the most is that had this not been pretty Britt Lapthorne, daughter to a devoted father and with the world at her feet, then it would have just been another body found in the ocean – humiliated and rotting, but with no one to care about it. There would have been no dusk memorial services, with strangers crying for a girl they didn’t know and feeling obscure, unquantifiable grief.
Am I being too harsh? I felt compelled to be affected by this as anyone. It makes me sick to think of what happened. But in an ideal world, the loss of every person in violent or lonely circumstances would matter. I object to my emotions being manipulated simply because she’s more angelic than others – and I can’t help but feel less of people who don’t recognise this.
While we can all feel deep sadness at Britt Lapthorne’s death and the loss that those close to her feel, what sort of emotions are being worked through when strangers turn up to public candle lit vigils for someone they’ve never met? What does this say about how we regard death in our culture?
Elsewhere: Jonathan Green at Crikey poses some similar questions.
“what sort of emotions are being worked through when strangers turn up to public candle lit vigils for someone they’ve never met?”
Like all those people who went nutso when Princess Diana died.
Kind of weird, huh?
It can’t be quite the same, though, can it? Princess Diana was a very well known public figure.
Had similar feelings, Kim, but about the poor girl’s father. His public denunciation of the Croatian police and their methods, his public rejection of the opinions of the Croation coroner (or whoever conducted the autopsy) and his firm and stridently stated belief that his daughter was murdered left me thinking he was inflicting a great deal of psychological harm upon himself. He seems to be constructing an enemy in the absence (for the time being, at least) of a real one. But can anyone blame him? Every time he’s on television you can see, plainer than is usually the case, that he is utterly shattered. To sit in judgment of a parent’s reaction in these circumstances is to fool oneself and to reject humanity.
BBB
Kim – Ms Lapthorne’s comments probably didn’t effect the investigation in Croatia directly, but the subsequent public sympathy would have had some effect on the support the family got from the Australian government (which was more than the average without such widespread media coverage I’d guess)
A set of circumstances beyond their control put them in the media spotlight. I couldn’t imagine a more stressful event for a family.
BBB, I agree with what your saying. Hearing the father I felt and feel uneasy, I have to say to myself ‘put your self in his shoes’,it helps little, the poor fellow and his family should be seeking council if they aren’t,maybe,just maybe his agitation will get a result that he wants, and for their sake I guess that would be appropriate,and may well bring the justice that they desire.
However, any situation like this is in the hands of others that will have to be relied on. I wish them well.
What a horribly, empathy-less post.
It’s possible that at least some of the people upset by this death are projecting a bit; the modest number of times I’ve travelled in Europe I’ve mostly done so alone, which I find exhilarating and a much richer experience than travelling in company but which can be quite frightening. My first thought when I saw this story was how easily it could have happened to me, and how dreadful it would be to die so far away from home and the people who love you.
I posted a link chez moi, with some comments, to an extremely interesting article in the Age a few days back, reporting the reactions of the locals in Dubrovnik, that I think is pertinent to this discussion too.
Who weeps for Abeer, the teenage girl raped, murdered and burned, by US Servicemen?
I feel for Britt’s family and share their pain but we don’t even know if she met foul play. Australians had a significant part in the rape of Iraq and we would be quite insane to forget about that.
That’s how I felt too PC.
I talked to a Croation friend of mine (living in Australia for a few years) who’s been monitoring Croation blogs and he says there’s even more emotion and speculation about her death over there.
FWIW, he goes back to Croatia regularly and says the police are hopeless and corrupt. He thinks kicking up a fuss was the only way to get some action.
What could have happened to that girl. Hopefully, the Coroner will be able to shed some light on the circumstances.. All very suspicious though with the CCTV film going missing, etc. Just goes to show that everyone travelling should have a buddy with them at all times.
I think the family must be feeling so much pain at the moment that who could blame them for anything they said or did.
Do find it odd when people turn up to such things when they didn’t know the deceased. Don’t know what they are getting from it. Certainly suggests a superficial understanding of death, a lack of respect for privacy and the real grief of others and a desire to be seen in public emoting about something that’s got nothing to do with them. Perhaps it’s also that a lot of people don’t experience a death close to them until they’re relatively old these days. That might be too harsh.
Conspicuous compassion is how one person described the Princess Di thing.
Who?
Meant to say also that Audrey has an excellent point. After the body was found but before it was positively identified as Britt Lapthorne’s, I read a report somewhere saying, and I quote, that ‘it was just an Armenian refugee’.
You what?
Whilst I too feel a bit queasy about displays like this – especially given as already pointed out the relative apathy regarding the many other deaths we arguably hold more responsibility for (as a nation) – I don’t really feel comfortable saying that “your type of grief – or even your feeling of grief – is wrong. It’s ‘fake’ grief. Only types of grief that I that I find acceptable or may hold myself are real grief. Anything else is insincere or lying.”
This is not to preclude us from questioning why we grieve for certain things more or less than others, or how grief manifests itself in certain ways. That said, I don’t think there’s any mystery here: People grieve for what they can identify with – young people with a young person, parents with a fellow parents, everyone with the loss of an ‘innocent’ life. And yes, sadly, whitey’s with whitey’s etc. etc.
But that doesn’t invalidate the feeling, however callow Today Tonight or whomever may act.
Wow. I’ve invented a new nation: Croatio. No need to rub it in, Fine.
BBB
Oh, dear. Talk about my rotten spelling. I must have caught it from you BBB.
Elsewhere: Jonathan Green at Crikey poses some similar questions.
The father especially is a savvy media player. He went to Croatia with explicit intention of putting the heat on the authorities there to look more assiduously for his daughter whom he hoped was still alive at that time.
Unfortunately, these hopes were dashed. The father shifted his efforts to get a systematic and determined search for a solution to what appears to be a particularly heinous crime.
The Australian media, however, appeared to be most interested in broadcasting the grief of the family, mixed up, of course, with some salacious snippets about the alleged behaviour of the victim. Finally, the media decided that family grief angle had more legs. The family obliged with a public memorial service in a public park. And some complete strangers participated.
Yet, what little we know about the state of the body is sensational enough: allegedly extensive mutilation, partial removal of the lower jaw, removal of many teeth, almost complete removal of the hair, the amputation of limbs. These grisly details are almost incidental to the media’s grief angle.
It would seem that it is very difficult for a tourist to do all these things to a body, perhaps to hide it for several days and then to transport it to the sea. Yet there appears to be very little discussion in the local press about the practical issue of finding the culprit[s].
I queried on this blog the media’s approach of sticking a microphone in the face of Mr Lapthorne and letting him rip. I got a serve about ABC integrity when I picked Emma Albirici out from the pack. It was just that I thought we, not to mention the grieving Mr Lapthorne, deserved a bit more from the professional meeja. My point was that this poor guy was going through every parents’ nightmare and not surprisingly, he was speculating wildly. We never heard much from Croatian authorities and so they took a beating, much of it undeserved IMHO. Now we are going to apparently get a second coroner’s opinion from ‘our side’ and one wonders what the precedent is for that.
I had no idea why this was a newsworthy story when it was first reported and I have even less now. Its continuing presence on the ABC News night after night as a major item left me shaking my head in bemusement.
The lives of tens of thousands of people around the world come to tragic or violent or dramatic ends every friggin’ week. Most have families to grieve over them. Why the media and the public get this occasional irrational compulsion to make one a cause celebré escapes me completely. Shades of Jake Kovco.
God forbid I should ever be in a position like the Lapthorne parents but if I was and a reporter approached me, I would tell them where to go in very violent language. The apparent desire of the parents to actively seek media attention for their grieving puts them in an emotional place that I don’t understand and don’t want any part of.
Ken: female, young, blonde, dead. It’s bread and butter for Australia’s very serious media.
BBB
I’m only glad they finally found a photo of the poor kid that didn’t show her holding a drink. The media judgment was pretty obvious.
Lapthorne’s parents did the only thing they could do without copious amounts of money and/or friends in high places: Get the media to get the government to act.
Without Australian diplomats backing them up, Croatian police would have just told the Lapthornes to go fuck themselves – or worse. Without the media the Australian Embassy wouldn’t have bothered as much.
I totally agree with Yobbo on that. (Hold the presses!)
Police in a state which has been torn apart by war and subject to internicine war and strife won’t be working to the same standards we expect from our mob who have been working in peacetime and with a few more limitations on corruption. Like hospitals in poor countries which won’t work unless the relatives come along to help (our aged care system is already in that state) the police system won’t work there for one relatively unknown young disapearee unless pressure is brought to bear.
Remember that thousands of young women disappear from Eastern Europe every year as part of the illegal sex trade. THe police probably assumed that this was what had happened.
Let’s not forget how this whole sorry saga apparently first came to public attention (at the risk of being accused of lacking in empathy.) Channel 9 morning TV seized upon it as a means of bashing the Rudd Government – nothing more, nothing less. We all know that DFAT is less than efficient in helping Australians in trouble overseas, and that its a very low order priority for any of the politicians in the major parties, unless they’re going to end up with political mud on their faces. Undoubtedly this was something Dale Lapthorne woke up to very quickly and he went for it boots and all to get something done for his daughter. Which of us would not have done the same thing, if it was our own child?
Of course, the mud didn’t stick on Rudd, Smith and company. It got washed off by the GFC. But that’s another tale.
I think the assumption that grief is and should be a mostly private affair is a relatively recent phenomenon. For thousands of years death has been a very public occasion and whole villages took part in the grieving. I don’t think it is a shameful thing to display grief or to take part in it vicariously on the contrary I think it is a deeply ingrained human need and a positive expression of community. At either end of the life span society takes a profound interest in a person less for who they are and more for what they represent so knowing the individual is not necessary. That is why there is a tendency for pregnant women and newborn babies to be treated as almost public property. I know some people experience that as intrusiveness but I always found it oddly comforting. Society claims you as you come into the world and marks the occasion as you take your leave and I think it would be a very bad sign if people had no interest in these events.
The need to tell as many people as possible of the life of someone who has just died is particularly strong when the person was young and/or died violently. There was a similar public outpouring when the body of a young indigenous boy was found in a lake in Sydney. At the time one of the local church representatives expressed frustration that that there had not been an equivalent degree of community interest in the conditions of his life and I feel the same way. A little less concern for privacy and a little more ‘intrusion’ on the part of one’s neighbours (rather than the state) would sometimes be a good thing.
I’ve always been nauseated by the way the media’s fixation on grief. As in microphone in face and “your wife and daughters have just been murdered – how do you feel”.
But then again, I can’t watch a sad movie without a few tears. We seem to be genetically programmed to respond to the grief of others just as long as we feel any sort of connection and I guess the media can’t really be blamed for using our natural reactions to make a buck – it is a business after all.
On the other hand my reaction to thousands dying in Dafur is more hard-boiled and rational than my reaction to Britt or to a sad movie. Which I guess is because the Dafur situation isn’t personalised – the scale of the tragedy prevents me having a personal connection to the victims.
“To sit in judgment of a parent’s reaction in these circumstances is to fool oneself and to reject humanity.”
BBB
The meeja invited us to sit in judgement of Britt, of her friends, of the son of a hotel owner, of Britt’s family, of the Croatian Police, of the Federal police, of Dubrovnik, of backpackers and drinkers.
After all of this, the post above revisits some of these culprits, homes in on Britt’s parents, and adds some mourners at a candle-lit vigil. Spare us!! It’s difficult enough for some of us to deal with the meeja blather.
Me, I’m in solidarity with anyone who snarls at a TV camera or an intrusive microphone.
As Ambigulous implies, it’s the media’s exploitation of the grief that in my opinion is beneath contempt.
I wouldn’t for one nanosecond blame the poor grieving parents, but surely we need to ask ourselves why out of the hundreds of people that go missing overseas the media chooses to fixate on one or two.
It’s a very different phenomenon from the public grieving of the past, with its carefully crafted rituals and deep respect for the dead and their family and friends.
What we are witnessing here has more in common with the voyeurism that currently infests our culture.
I think that for some people when they’re deep in grief, attention, whether that be from the media or total strangers at a public gathering, can be very comforting. It helps them feel that other people care and understand and that their grief is shared. And I don’t think that that’s necessarily a bad thing. As Su pointed out, rief hasn’t always been private.
As for the candle-lit vigil, many of those who attended appeared to be young people who could identify with Britt. They’ve probably either travelled, or see theselves travelling in the near future and can project from that. Again, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that and I don’t know that it’s voyeuristic.
Are there hundreds of Australians missing overseas? Adrian, I know you said people, but, Australians, like other countries, focus on their own nationals.
BTW, Britt’s boyfriend was given a camera by ‘Australian Story’, so the whole thing will be on television soon enough.
Yes, the media voyeurism on the grief of this poor family has been nauseating.
I cant agree, however, with any criticism of the family’s own approach – I’m sure they weren’t all that comfortable with it themselves, but were doing anything they could to mount pressure on Croatian and Australian authorities to find some answers. My guess is they judged that pyschological care of self was a completely secondary consideration to getting answers – especially in the first critcal few weeks. I support that assessment, which appears quite a rational one to me.
I frankly admire the father’s dignity and restraint throughout. And it was big of the mother, in my view, to encourage backpackers to continue adventuring.
Su, I agree with what you’ve said about grief not traditionally being a private affair. However, what bothers me isn’t the feeling of grief in this case – I can understand feeling horrified by what happened and sad, because I felt those things too. It’s being swept up in a tide of emotion that is vicarious, because the instant the media attention dies down on this, people will begin to forget how it made them feel in the first place.
And there’s nothing wrong with mourning for Britt – but what about mourning for the indigenous girl in the NT recently who was left dying in a bush for hours before being sexually assaulted by two young guys who thought she was ‘just’ intoxicated? Or the indigenous woman in WA who was beaten to death by her husband with a pole? Or even Paulo Miranda, a young man missing in SA and presumed dead?
I understand the human compulsion to feel something more for Britt given she’s been the focus of incredible media attention – I just wish people would recognise that that is what’s going on.
As for the drinking thing – I must admit, I didn’t notice too much judgement about that. I suspect that’s not because it wasn’t there, but because I’ve become so used to hearing it when discussing women and the Bad Things That Happen To Them.
To be fair, it’s been a while since I heard of a Bad Thing Happening to a young man without some suggestion of wilful misadventure too. I realise there is often a big difference, mostly w/r/t the nature of the Bad Thing involved, but attracting this sort of prurient suspicion isn’t the sole preserve of the laydeez.
Oh I totally agree with you about the racial aspect Audrey, I was just commenting on why I believe these stories will always fascinate and even though the media are selling papers with the story I don’t think that that public fascination is horrible at all.
It amuses me that there are people on here, like Ken Lovell, that believe that this story is not newsworthy, and that he shakes his head as he watches it on the ABC night after night, even bothers to comment! Why if you dont think its newsworthy would you seek out a website to give your opinion? Also, if someone has murdered Britt, or had some involvement with her death, is it not something the public would like to know? And i think we all know that if the media circus had not come to the table, the investigation would never have started, as it stands Britt went missing the morning of the 18th of September, though her family were not notified until the 24th. That to me sounds as though it wasnt high on Croatian Police priority lists.
In relation to the actual topic, i think its insensitive to even comment on how people should grieve and whether Elke had done herself any favours by being so emotional with the media, she acted like any parent in her situation, and until people are in her situation, they should not comment.
“i think it’s insensitive to even comment on how people should grieve”
YES.
Yes, I agree with that too. Seems unnecessary, and so does comparing one dreadful tragedy with another.
When was it reported to the Croatian police that she was missing? And until then why should it exist at all on their priority lists?
On the 19th of September, and from then it should exist on their priority lists. Apparently it is such a crime free town, they wouldnt be doing much else??
Natalia, my brief look at the news reports says that her disappearance wasn’t reported until the 20th, two days later. It is reasonable that the police would take a day or so about their inquiries before deciding whether there was something that warranted reporting further on. Then it might take another day or two for them to report to higher authorities and then for them to pass it through cosular officials for them to pass on to the missing person’s family.
I don’t want to mount a defence of the Croatian police in this case but I don’t feel that the criticism , as is implicit of the Croatian police in your earlier post, that police forces anywhere exist just to make the resolution of the disappearance of backpackers, even Australian ones, their highest priority.
I doubt that our own police would have done much better if a German or Swiss or French or Norwegian backpacker went missing in our own country.
I think it is perfectly acceptable to comment on the cult of public grieving that has surrounded the Brit Lapthorne case, speculate as to why people who didn’t know her are drawn to identify with the story and express a type of grief, and to critique the role of the media in this public grieving process, and so on.
I agree, however, that it is empathy-less, and add that it is also tacky and unnecessary, to criticize her parents for being too emotional or agitated in public and in the media. There is no right or wrong way to express real grief, whether it is being expressed in the public or private sphere.
They have, and they didn’t. One of the things this case has made me wonder about is what the parents of Ivan Milat’s victims went through in the years between their murders and the discovery of their bodies, and afterwards.
I don’t think the post does that. Kim’s been careful to say she’s writing out of concern for Lapthorne’s mother’s own well being and also the degree to which their grief might be exploited by the media. It’s not a criticism in those terms at all, I think.
I am sure many of you have heard of the disapearance of Maddy McCann, who is from England but her and her family were on holiday in Portugal. Maddy’s parents, as do so many parents with missing children, did every thing they could (and still continue to do), to highlight their daughters disappearance. The media grabbed the story and made millions, I am sure, from the devastating tragedy that family endured and continues to endure. Then the media turned on them like rottweilers! Suddenly everything that Kate & Gerry (the parents) had ever done was in the media spotlight, they were hounded! The McCann’s were told how they should behave in front of the media, to hold it together in case their daughters abductors were watching and got some kick out of the emotion that they were portraying. They were then blasted as cold, uncaring parents. However, throughout Europe if not the Westernised world, Maddy’s disappearance is in the public arena. Fortunately, the media now seem back onside.
My son, Luke Durbin has been missing for two and a half years. Believe me, it is a living hell! I continue living as I also have a daughter and I will never stop publicity for my son. The early days of living without my son, I felt like I was possessed! I went from one emotion to the next in a split second. I can even remember telling the police that I was terrified that I would be arrested as I would have an uncontrollable anger raging inside me. It would then turn to floods of tears that if my own life had depended on it, I could not have stopped.
If Luke’s body had of turned up in a relatively short period of time, as did Britt’s body, I certainly would have had no ability to control any emotion. (If Luke’s body is ever found, I do not know how I will react, but I have had time to come to terms with the strong possiblity that my son is dead).
Yes, it is horrifying that there are so many heinous crimes going on in the world that the media sweeps over, but it is us that perpetuates the medias coverage of a story by our readership/viewership and discussion on boards such as these. It obviously stirs something in us or else we wouldn’t continue talking about it.
There have been many comments on this forum about Britt being a beautiful, blonde, female. Believe me, there are gender, race, age, even accent issues in publicising a missing person globally. But that is down to the media and whether they feel the “story” will sell. Not the parents grief.
I pray that none of you ever experience what it is like to lose a child in anyway. To lose a child and not know whether they are dead or alive is every parent’s nightmare. To finally find your child’s body in the circumstances Britt’s parents have had to, is not yet my experience, but I imagine it every day.
Do not make judgements on the parents grief, if you had to live an hour of our hell, perhaps you would see things differently. If you find it that difficult to view, then turn over!
My heart goes out to Britt’s family.
Nicki
“i think it’s insensitive to even comment on how people should grieve”
It depends.
1. Some acts of grieving may be illegal. It is legitimate to attempt to prevent those forms of grieving. It is surely therefore legitimate to comment about them.
2. Acts of grieving are culturally conditioned. What was appropriate in one culture was highly inappropriate in another culture. Australia occasionally congratulates itself for being a multi-cultural society. However, if folks suddenly took to public self-flagellation in the name of grieving, then that would become a matter of legitimate public conversation.
Is this a bad time to mention sati?
BBB
Yes.
When it comes to grieving, sati is the ultimate test of sincerity.
Thank you for writing about your experience here, Nicki. My heart goes out to you, and everyone in your situation.
Well said Lefty E.
It might be a good idea if a moderator could delete that last comment, or maybe I’m the only one to find it offensive in the extreme.
“Natalia, my brief look at the news reports says that her disappearance wasn’t reported until the 20th, two days later”
GregM, See attatched link
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,24540274-29277,00.html
“John” @ 52, in what universe does someone’s boyfriend have to “let” her do anything?
Helen, I let my Lady Friend use my 30th birthday presnt Wusthof Japanische Kochmesser. Does that count?
I agree that’s a most unfortunate comment – and it’s been deleted.
Thanks Mark.
For one brief afternoon, we thought our oldest son had vanished. None of his friends had seen him since the night before and he wasn’t answering his phone, which had a flat battery, as we discovered when he sauntered home.
I was a basket case with emotions swinging wildly between wanting to kill him for not answering his phone and terror that he was lying dead in a ditch, the victim of a crazed killer.
I can only imagine the the hell Nicki and her family have suffered since Luke’s disappearance and my heart goes out to her and her family.
Likewise the Lapthorne family. I hope they will find the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other and in time a measure of peace.
FDB, that’s a valid instance. But what the hell is a Wusthof Japanische Kochmesser?
It’s like a knife, but better.
And what would anyone else know – unless their child too has gone missing and then been found dead. I don’t think it should be anyone’s place to judge another’s feelings or reactions in such a traumatic event. People grieve and react in their own personal way and I don’t think this is at all open to judgement from society!