I don’t know whether to be cross with the University bookshop for actually stocking this item I purchased on Friday, or to cheer them for marking it down to 50c and throwing it unceremoniously into the Sale Bin of Shame. Probably the latter, on balance, since I now have a piece of sterling and seasonally appropriate blog fodder which will require very little glossing on my part in order to bring out its heady and pungent delights.
The “book of coupons” gift is somewhat on the nose to begin with, unless it’s a custom made Mothers Day present from your ten year old or something. No excuses for giving someone a preprinted set, and absolutely no excuses for actually presenting your significant other with something labelled “For My Lady.”
The first page reads:
For My Lady ………….
I honour you with these
Gifts of Love.Valid for one (1)
year from date of receipt.
Love,Signed……….
Dated………..
The first coupon is fairly tame.
But the second one begins to give the game away.
Sorry who exactly is being thrown a bone here? How nice is that “to the best of my ability”? i.e., “I will have sex with you, but only until I want to go to sleep.”
The high standard of graphic design achieved in these two examples doesn’t vary in the rest of the book so I didn’t bother with any more pictures.
Subsequent coupons:
“VALID for one win to an argument, discussion, or fight, without recrimination.”
“VALID for one (1) day of receiving compliments or flowers, without it having to be a special occasion.”
“VALID for an evening together at a restaurant of your choice – my treat!”
“VALID for a cultural afternoon together at an art gallery or museum of your choice.”
“VALID for a day void of any personal criticisms from my big mouth.”
“VALID for one (1) neck or foot massage after a hard day.”
It’s great how the Lady gets “one (1)” voucher for all these treats. Every other day she just has to suck it up.
“VALID for a new hair style or perm – my shout.”
Every girl’s dream. Hands up ladies whose owners men have shouted them a perm recently…
“VALID for one (1) new set of lingerie, or outfit.”
See again coupon #2. Also note no mention of shouting here.
And then, an unbroken run of awesomeness….
“VALID for one (1) sit down and relax tonight while I cook dinner (or I’ll order take away delivered if that’s too risky!)”
“VALID for one (1) night where you have jurisdiction over the T.V. remote control.”
“VALID for one (1) get out of annoying chore, if asked.”
“VALID for a night just talking with the T.V. turned off.”
“VALID for getting my undivided attention if there is something you think we need to discuss.”
The last two vouchers in the book are blanks “to be filled in as desired.” I imagine most recipients use these to ask for a proper gift next Christmas and next birthday. Or else to ask for a divorce.
It’s a beautiful thing…really it is.
!!!!!!
âVALID for one (1) sit down and relax tonight while I cook dinner (or Iâll order take away delivered if thatâs too risky!)â?
Yes, that’s right, laydeeez, having dinner cooked for you by your man-friend is the ULTIMATE in luxury, and you only get it this once. Unless of course your man-friend has like, deliberately set fire to the kitchen that one time he tried to make poached eggs…
âVALID for getting my undivided attention if there is something you think we need to discuss.â?
Because the rest of the time you will be completely ignored, especially if there is sport on the telly.
Yuck.
Wow! Your arse totally doesn’t look big in that!
Yet another case of being just as misandrist as it is misogynist.
How about:
“Valid for one (1) free night in a motel next time I come home on the turps and feel like getting punchy”
“Valid for one (1) occasion where no is allowed to actually mean no”
Dear God, the humanity. Never mind the foot-massages, what kind of Hallmark mind would inflict this on their ‘Lady’?
…
Is it just me or do you all hear the voice of MCA singing ‘hey ladeees’ when you read the picture? With associated funk guitar and cowbells? Just me, I thought so.
“The gift that keeps on giving”
…you the bare minimum you deserve.
Wow. Total and complete gold. Snaps for sharing!
I just can’t get over the assumption that lies behind these vouchers – that these sorts of things are never offered voluntarily and should not be expected!
Why not just do away with the book and have one, cover-all voucher “valid for one (1) normal, functioning relationship.”
Also, I love how they clarify that “one” is the same as “(1)”, as if there is going to be some legal dispute over the scope of the voucher that is going to be settled by high-priced lawyers or some such.
Bereft of a sense of humour how can leftist thought possibly grow and evolve?
oh thats right it hasn’t!
Liam, I had not got as far as the Beastie Boys in the catalogue of lady-themed earworms finding this piece of tosh brought on. But yeah. Over the morning I’ve been through
‘if I was a carpenter and you were a lady would you marry me anyway would you have my baby’
‘I was tired of my lady we’d been together too long like a worn-out recording of my favourite song’
‘the lady in red…is dancing wit me….cheek to cheek….there’s nobody here’ etc
What have I started, Laura?
There’s Cat Stevens you haven’t hummed, for a start:
There’s the phwooarilularity of hankie-band Aerosmith:
And Hendrix naturellement:
All working up to the *cough* climax of Lionel Ritchie’s:
…
Earworm—I’d never heard that term, but it’s a good one. I’ve got to start thinking without rhythm, so as not to attract them.
“Bereft of a sense of humour how can leftist thought possibly grow and evolve?”
You think this book is a joke Max? I hope you’re right.
Don’t lets forget the Isley Bros’ Who’s That Lady? – the ladyiest song in history, even if you take “once, twice, three times” to be six times (as I’d suggest you should, unless
Lionel RitchieThe Commodores were just correcting themselves).Yes, I know he was the singer, but credits where credits is due.
Liam there’s one song the ladies cant resist…..
http://home.att.net/~e.zeiser/lyrics/pina_colada_song.htm
….. something to listen to, around the pool, while checking which coupon they are up to next.
If he is going to give me coupons then I want useful ones
No snoring (365)
Vacuuming (52)
Washing up (365)
Washing (52)
Supermarket Shopping (52)
Lionel Ritchie is the most popular western artist in China. He’s bigger than Elvis. True story.
No shit? They have better taste than Chermany, at least. Assuming the Hass is till number eins.
It’s all part of the Dr John Gray plague. Ignore it. It may go away.
I’m sorry, I’m still trying to get over the My Favourite Album crap of last night. Coupons of Life seems to fit the zeitgeist pretty well.
Still there’s always the possibility of another publishing miracle in response.
I suggest Raffle Tickets of Life.
Bad earworms with Lady themes (like Dylan’s Lay Lady Lay) can best be replaced by Ladykillers by Lush. Which also means you can think about Miki Berenyi.
He he… one of my first thoughts was the Beastie Boys, too, Liam.
Flash
Must
Die!
That means you, YouTube!
How fabulously kitsch. It’s gotta be a piss-take.
“Bad earworms with Lady themes (like Dylan’s Lay Lady Lay) can best be replaced by Ladykillers by Lush”
And there was I, Zarqs, thinking I was the only other person on earth who liked Lush.
Of course the next thing Ladykiller will be turned into a car commercial.
You want a truly evil earworm?
http://blogfiles.wfmu.org/AB/miniblob.mp3
And if you’re thinking that at least the godlike talents of Burt Bacharach would never stoop to conquer like this, then you’d be right and royally wrong.
Found through one of the best ever freaky-deaky music blogs around.
And speaking of WFMU – few other music blogs would acknowledge the recent death of the first daggy Scandinavian pop diva by linking to this. The original is much better than Blue Ruin, Bananarama and Tom Jones’ versions.
Hmm. This comment won’t have much context unless you haul my previous one out of moderation. And why it’s in moderation I have no idea unless the words “Burt” and “blob” trip some of kind of very subtle sensor.
Oh, and how can we go without mentioning Lady Sovereign?
(Suck it up, Liam…
“Lionel Ritchie is the most popular western artist in China. He’s bigger than Elvis. True story.”
And the Chinese are paying out full ASCAP royalties, no doubt. (shrugs, drinks another shot of Drano, passes out)
…anyway, back to the substance of the post…
Well you know, I’d have to be a regular Grinch to deny folks their rightful hilarity at the truly puke-inducing ‘For My Lady’ coupons and what-not. But still, all the same… (time for me to be a contradictory asshole…)
Where are all the alleged ‘cultural critics’ when the actual professional alarm-bell sounds? Myself, I know a couple of brilliant anthropologists who could give you an insightful and quite complicated critique of this stuff. The truth is, of course, that kitsch-based, or lower-class “bad-taste” culture, doesn’t necessarily mean the same things to its consumers as some folks might like it to mean. Where’s your multicultural compassion all of a sudden, just when you need it?
Personally I can’t imagine a working-class “bad-taste” relationship where the ‘lady’ of the house meticulously clips and redeems the ‘coupons’ for their ‘value’; but I *can* imagine a gal getting a good chuckle from her self-admittedly often-annoying husband, from the weird little gift book that she flips through once for laughs, before filing it in the bin where it belongs. The message, one gathers, is more like, “Yeah, I know you deserve a lot better, and I’m owning up to that, and I’m gonna try harder.” And maybe once in a while she’ll hold him to that promise; that wouldn’t be such a bad thing, right?
Speaking for myself, I grew up in the world of working-class “bad taste” culture, and I frequently saw stuff so god-awful that it would make this coupon book look like it was written by bloody Virginia Woolf herself; but I also saw families that bravely stayed together through thick and thin, and old married couples with crappy taste, who remained devoted to each other til quite literally death did they part. So I guess good taste has its relative merits.
All the same — yep, sure, the coupon book is freaking hilarious. I wanted to make a bit of a point, but I certainly don’t wanna be a spoilsport. Fuck a *duck*, as they say at Oxford…
Take one for earworm.
Works a treat.
I’ll see your Lady Sovereign and raise you a Pink and the Munich Autobahn Polizei motorcycle stunt team.
Damn your eyes Nabakov, that Mariska Veres video has a link to this one. It’s like Grace Knight on the Countdown special.
How about a “Valid for one week of TV viewing undistracted by farting and ball-scratching” coupon?
Obviously two blank coupons is not enough.
“I wanted to make a bit of a point, but I certainly don’t wanna be a spoilsport.”
A 50% strike rate. Could be worse though.
What alarm bell sounded?
Where are the alleged cultural critics?
Who would know? I guess they’re at work, busily analysing products of culture. This is not work.
That said, I actually did think about this booklet for two days before deciding to let it speak to youse just as it had spoken to me. I trust you lot to be able to do a certain amount of reading between the lines and draw some conclusions on your own if you so desire. The two salient sociological facts for me are that it was found in a University bookshop, so someone who sells books for a living thought it might appeal to people with tertiary educations, and that it had been marked down from $7.95 to .50c, which is a fairly clear indication that it flopped big time. If that which we have been laughing at is revealing of anything about anyone, it’s not about people to whom the thing is marketed, unless it’s the entirely complimentary revelation that these people refused to buy it. All it reveals is something about the person who wrote it, and anyone who publishes cannot complain if their publication receives a certain amount of scrutiny, and if it’s deserved, a whole lot of mockery.
Just to show I don’t harbour any cultural or socio-economic prejudice towards those charming little blue collar morlocks that the zengerman refers to, I’m quite happy to admit to a soft spot for Diamond Dave.
If he wasn’t his own worst enemy, he could have been the Robbie Williams of America.
“Gimme a bottle of anything and a glazed donut…to go.”
And Hot For Teacher was the best song AC/DC never wrote.
Totally with you on Diamond Dave, Mr Kov. Particularly for this kind of thing.
(And can we have a hearting thread to go with our condemns? I heart fan “armies”, just heart them to death.)
DLR:
Here endeth the lesson.
Mr Nabakov and Zoe, thank you.
Hot for the Teacher is the finest song ever written and I wouldn’t confuse it with AC/DC. There’s a very special Roth/Van Halen magic that rivals the chariots of the parthenon but I can’t work it out and can’t do it justice.
I love this backstory though [link]
‘parently DLR gave money to Nicaraguan charities in the 80′s (not the Reagan/Iran sort)
smooth jesus made me do this
mm. As opposed to Bristly Jesus?
It’s very tongue-in-cheek, my dear. Please, find something constructive to do with your life. Thank you. That is all.