For all sorts of reasons, I think we could do with some self-administered light relief.
I have discovered this list of the 75 Worst Songs of All Time. The Top 10 countdown looks like this:
10. Ebony and Ivory – Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder
9. I Am… I Said – Neil Diamond
8. Sometimes When We Touch – Dan Hill
7. You Must Love Me – Madonna
6. Muskrat Love – Captain and Tenille
5. Popozao – Kevin Federline
4. Seasons In The Sun – Terry Jacks
3. Lovin’ You – Minnie Riperton
2. I’ve Never Been To Me – Charlene
1. MacArthur Park – Richard Harris or Donna Summer
If I had compiled the list, Sometimes When We Touch would have been much closer to number 1. It would have been at No. 3, topped (or bottomed) only by I’ve Never Been To Me and a song which is not on the list, No Charge, recorded by Melba Montgomery and written by Harlan Howard (an appropriate surname considering the subject matter and the content of the lyrics). Not coincidentally, both of these bottomless barrels of bathos were written by men attempting to insert themselves and their prejudices into the standpoint of women.
So, dear readers, what are the songs that make you call for abortion to be made mandatory and retrospective for all involved in their composition, recording and distribution?
I love cheese so much I can’t really participate.
Don’t Go Breaking My Heart has little to redeem it though.
What about “Single bed” and a song whose name I have mercifully forgotten but whose chorus went something like “daddy please don’t it wasn’t his fault etc etc” It is by far the worst song I have ever heard (our squeaky voiced heroine, Julie gets shot by her enraged boyfriend-monstering father). Blech! Now I’m going to have to go and try to forget it for another 20 years.
I went with some friends to a pub that advertised as showing every ball of the 2005 Ashes series live. When we arrived, they pointed us to the small telly in the corner, and continued to play cheesy radio instead of giving us sound.
In a fit of outrage, I started playing the worst songs on the Jukebox to give them their come-uppance. It was Skatman’s “I’m the Skatman” that eventually cleared the pub.
It’s so bad, I wanted to leave as well. Definitely top ten material.
MacArthur Park doesn’t belong in this schlockfest, deeply strange though the song may be.
I’ll happily replace it with Escape (The Pina Colada Song)
It’s mediocrity that I object to, not the cheese. Kymbos, that video you linked to was somethin else.
How about Achy Breaky Heart?
I have to put a word in for an 80s song that always translated itself in my head into a poignant love song by a heartbroken butcher:
I thought it was settled that “We built This City” (on rock and roll) was the worst?
Billy Don’t Be A Hero.
Her indoors CD player got stuck on it while on a trip to the coast, kids in the back yelling out the chorus when it came on for the fifth time. If I had a hammer within reach (heh, another nomination) I’d have been belting at the dashboard with it.
Shaddap You Face?
You wash your mouth out sonny.
Mony Mony by Billy Idol is totally fucked, now that I think about it more.
Great idea for a post. Lovin’ You by Minnie Ripperton was a beautiful song. Love these lyrics:
“No one else can make me feel
The colors that you bring
Stay with me while we grow old
And we will live each day in springtime
Cause lovin’ you has made my life so beautiful
And every day my life is filled with lovin’ you”
Single Bed was cool, “sssss ssss single bed”.
How about “Come on baby lay your love on me” by Racey or “Baby it’s you” by Promises with the dodgy film clip with the brother and sister? Magic.
Billy Don’t Be A Hero, arrrghhh thanks for bringing that. Billy don’t be hero, don’t be a fool with your life, Billy don’t be a hero, come back and make you my wife…or something like that.
What about the theme song from Prisoner about bringing roses and stuff? Yikes, like FDB I am too fond of cheese to help.
“What About Me?” – Moving Pictures
“Escape” – Rupert Holmes
Ages are showing here. Racey, now that was a fucking horrible band.
Errr, Laura, my grandparents used to listen to Racey ; )
At least Minnie Riperton was reborn into “A Huge Ever Growing Pulsating Brain That Rules From the Centre of the Ultraworld”.
For that matter, Ed Kuepper does a respectable version of “Seasons In The Sun”.
Damn you! Now that I remember “No Charge” I’m going to have to scrape it out of my brain with a blunt spoon. (Fortunately I’m planning on getting drunk and listening to a punk band tonight, so that’ll help.)
Another nomination is some horrible 60′s song about someone dying in a NASCAR accident which (thank christ) I’ve mostly forgotten.
Walking in Memphis….. Do I really feel the way I feel”
Pina Colada
…and as Billy started to go, she said “Keep your pretty head low”.
dammit know my teeth are gnashing.
Oh, come on. It must be “Two less lonely people in the world” by Air Supply. Even the title is disturbing. It is ungrammatical (two fewer lonely people in the world) or just insulting (we’re together and therefore less lonely – high praise indeed)?
I’m showing my age here, but a weepy called Nobody’s Child by Karen Young frequently destabilised my stomach contents in 1970.
Thanks Alan, for the reminder of that abomination Walking in Memphis. All that faux-gravitas…. AAAARGH!!!!
Some dork’s fucking epiphany? Who wants to hear about that?
Oh, wait, Solsbury Hill… I do!
Bismark – I dunno the rest of the lyrics, but taken alone it sounds like a murder/suicide pact.
What about most embarrassing guilty pleasure?
“Africa” by Toto. I know it’s bad, I really do. The video is even worse.
But I like it.
Just for David:
The marchin’ band came down along Main Street
The soldier-blues fell in behind
I looked across and there I saw Billy
Waiting to go and join the line
And with her head upon his shoulder
His young and lovely fiancee
From where I stood, I saw she was cryin’
And through her tears I heard her say
“Billy, don’t be a hero, don’t be a fool with your life”
“Billy, don’t be a hero, come back and make me your wife”
And as he started to go she said “Billy, keep your head lo-o-ow”
“Billy, don’t be a hero, come back to me”
The soldier-blues were trapped on a hillside
The battle raging all around
The sergeant cried “We’ve got to hang on, boys”
“We got to hold this piece a’ground”
“I need a volunteer to ride up”
“And bring us back some extra men”
And Billy’s hand was up in a moment
Forgettin’ all the words she said
She said
“Billy, don’t be a hero, don’t be a fool with your life”
“Billy, don’t be a hero, come back and make me your wife”
And as he started to go she said “Billy, keep your head lo-o-ow”
“Billy, don’t be a hero, come back to me”
I heard his fiancee got a letter
That told how Billy died that day
The letter said that he was a hero
She should be proud he died that way
I heard she threw that letter away
And here is the OFFICIAL Clip.
My choice of cheese – ANYTHING with sped up vocals.
My Top most hated song would have to be Meatloaf “You Took the Words Right out of my Mouth”. Just the thought of kissing that bloke. eeeeeeeeeeergh.
No 2 Billy Ray Cyrus “Achey Breaky Heart’.
I can’t do any more. It’s making my ears bleed just thinking about it.
That should be most HATED song.
The original is truly horrible, yes, but Me First and the Gimme Gimmes do a great cover of Seasons in the Sun on “Have a Ball”. Assuming you like that style of punk cover novelty band music, of course.
How odd. I’m playing a fringe show next Friday called Guilty Pleasures, and I clamber out from behind the drums for some Toto, albeit Hold the Line.
Almost anything written by Diane Warren belongs on this list (as an example – she wrote Blame it On the Rain as mimed by Milli Vanilli).
You can buy the whole compilation of the worst songs from one of those TV commercial companies. The ad is even hosted by the guys from Air Supply. I think it reaches some astounding number of CD’s – 8 or 9, not sure now, but I have struggled to sit through the ad.
“My Top most hated song would have to be Meatloaf â??You Took the Words Right out of my Mouthâ??. Just the thought of kissing that bloke. eeeeeeeeeeergh.”
You got to love the Loaf.
This looks like a top night out, FDB.
(1) Achy Breaky Heart
(2) Macarena
(3) This Is It – Dannii Minogue
(4) Ring My Bell – Collette
(5) Poison – Bardot
And the greatest sing-a-long cheesy songs :
(1) Mr Jones – Aqua
(2) Stutter Rap – Morris Minor and the Majors
(3) Living on a Prayer – Bon Jovi
(4) Run To Paradise – Choirboys
(5) Heaven Is A Place on Earth – Belinda Carlisle.
Actually the Hit version was by JJ Barrie and went to No 1 ibn the UK (no accounting for taste those poms).
I’ve got a parody version by CC Sanford called No Charge (Chuck) which gives it a scouse turn on it, buy referring to wiping one’s derrier (bleeped of course) amongst other such deeds and the tears are not of praise, but for for standing on the mother’s foot, the record ends approprioately with the flushing of a Toilet.
Wikipedia entry on the original.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/No_Charge
Darlene, she threw the letter away?
The humanity!
Let’s hope the next election brings some commitment on dental from one of the major parties, as you’ve been the end of the rest of my choppers.
What was she thinking ; )
Sorry about doing that to your choppers. No more mention of that….errr, song…”Billy, don’t”…just kidding.
All of those OTT angsty songs:
“Billy Don’t Be a Hero”, “Daddy Don’t You Walk So Fast”, “Leader of the Pack”, “Sylvia’s Mother”…
Oh, God, I’d better stop. I’m starting to feel nauseous.
Anything by the Bee Gees with the exception of ‘Nights on Broadway’. Although I’m prepared to reconsider if they’re sung by anybody other than the Bee Gees.
‘We Built This City’ is a great song … can’t understand why people would put it in this company.
But the two equal worst songs of all time have to be ‘Ebony Eyes’ by the Everly Brothers and ‘Old Shep’ by Elvis. There’s a fine line between morbid sentimentality and downright vomit-inducement and they both crossed it. Comfortably.
OH WAIT … I just remembered ‘Two Little Boys’ … damn this is a hard contest.
“Born to be alive” by Patrick Hernandez. Just awful. And that video clip…the walking stick…horrible.
“9 to 5″ by Sheena Easton, though it was somewhat redeemed when it featured in an episode of Seinfeld.
“babe’ by Styx. Utter cringe.
There are so many that flash through my mind and now some have lodged there; i wish someone hadn’t mentioned “we built this city”.
Must not diss the Everlys, Mr Lovell. Must not. Threats of violence will ensue. Elvis however is an easy target (“In the Ghetto”, “American Trilogy” – is this the same guy that recorded Mystery Train?)
Come to think of it, I think “American Trilogy” is possibly the worst thing recorded, ever.
Ken, on that score you’d also have to have “Lightning Express” by the Everly Brothers somewhere in the mix.
That Numa Numa song got pretty cheezy pretty fast.
Anyway, you can wash you ears out now with this steaming hot chunk of hard rock shock and awe.
Paul I’m not familiar with that particular piece but having read the lyrics I can only thank you for the advisory.
And I forgot to nominate ‘The Ballad of the Green Beret’.
Nobody’s sticking up for the Bee Gees I notice …
The Osmonds, ahhhh, they were, gasp, lovely.
Lynda, your mention of Sylvia’s Mother reminds me of that other piece of Dr. Hook magic, When You’re In Love With A Beautiful Woman.
Aussiesmurf, that list would make one hell of a compilation album (and I get the feeling everyone who reads this blog would remember what an LP is).
“Nobody’s sticking up for the Bee Gees I notice”.
I like “Emotion” and that song that one of the Gees did with Barbara S.
FDB wrote:
Have a look at the comments on the video on youtube: it’s undergoing some sort of bizarre GTA:San Andreas revival (you have no idea how old that makes me feel).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9f-cEM1l7Ks
The song is Tell Laura I Love Her, which was covered by an Aotearoan band in 1974 – complete with overproduction and overwrought vocals – and played extensively on Melbourne radio stations.
Hmm, then this this little classic with the hottest dance moves from the westside.
I’m sorry. I’ll probably go to hell for that. At least we know what the soundtrack will be.
And for the all time Big Cheeze of Australian music, Andrew Jones, Shadow Valley and Iron Triangle.
This song achieved relentless airplay in 1966.
Andrew Jones was at the time Federal Member for Adelaide (Lib). He was the youngest MP in Australian history.
In the linked Wiki article Jones is quoted as saying he penned this ditty as “a reaction against the spate of sick immoral and depraved pseudo-folk music, which pours from the radio”.
Flogging was too good for the bumptious little twerp.
However, in retrospect, Andrew Jones’ rhetoric would support a valid claim that he was the spiritual precursor of the common or garden RWDB of the present epoch.
Well done, Andrew.
(Unless I have missed something) I can’t believe that Barry Manilow hasn’t got a mention yet. “I write the songs” surely deserves to be in the top ten; I would put it no 2 behind “Never been to me”.
Cheesy might include Elvis: “Softly, as I leave you ….” (you need the spoken intro: “This is the story of a man who was in a hospital, and he was dying. His wife had been sitting by his bedside ….”
For plain annoying I’ve always been irritated by: They call me mellow yellow.
The Brotherhood of Man’s ‘Kisses for me’. Cheezy and horrible
I don’t think much about music I don’t like
BUT I utterly ADORE I Am… I Said.
Oof, there’s so many great bad songs in the world, it’s hard to know where to begin. (btw, I didn’t know “Sylvia’s Mother” was by Dr. Hook, I always wondered who was behind it.) And yeah, su, I also remember that horrible “Daddy please don’t” song, though I have no idea who it was.
“Seasons in the Sun” is actually based on a Jacques Brel song, which kind of almost rocks in the original, and the lyrics in French are actually sort of raw. It took a real genius to turn such promising material into such goo. And I agree with Katz that “MacArthur Park” is just too delightfully insane to be considered actually “bad”. I seem to recall someone a long time ago telling me about an interview with the guy who wrote it, apparently he claimed he had no idea what it meant or what his intentions were when he wrote it (I guess maybe a bit like Bowie, who I think IIRC once said that he didn’t really remember making “Station to Station” because he was such a mess during the whole period.)
I’m afraid that of all the songs mentioned so far, “I Am I Said” probably makes my skin crawl more than anything else. Pretty much everything on Neil’s first “Greatest Hits” album is a crime against humanity, except for maybe “Brother Love’s Traveling Salvation Show” which is so sublimely, fascinatingly stupid that you kind of have to love it. Needless to say, I have a particular, personal revulsion for “Brooklyn Roads” though.
I used to know a guy who could do this amazingly accurate, hilarious Neil Diamond voice, and if you got a few drinks into him he would do Neil Diamond overwroughtly singing or reciting just about anything you wanted: I recall that the Declaration of Independence a la Neil, and some lines from the end of “Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus” were particularly hilarious.
While visiting Beijing, a Chinese friend proudly told me that all his friends liked the Australian band Air Supply. I told him only old people listened to them. He didn’t believe me. If you visit Beijing, you will find buskers playing Air Supply AND Lionel Richie. Time for a government crackdown.
Oh, man, and now that “Daddy please don’t” song is giving me acid flashbacks, it’s bad craziness. Thanks a *lot*, su!
And now it’s dredged up this awful memory from the same period, another awful song about star-crossed love… Does anybody else remember this dreadful thing that went, “Louie Louie Louieeeee” like that, and it was this awful thing about a doomed interracial romance? Good Lord it was painful, whatever it was, or whoever did it. It sounded sort of like a lawnmower imitating Macy Gray.
Since I now have to spend the rest of tonight with this horror lodged in my brain, I figure the rest of you should, too.
oh, and btw, I won’t hear a word against Minnie Ripperton.
The Road to Surfdom recalls the dreadful “I am Pegasus, my name means horse”.
MacArthur Park deserves to be exempted from criticism if for no other reason than that it was written by the great Jimmy Webb.
What about me, Cats in the cradle and that dude that does reviews on JJJ send me diving for the dial or the door – the money or the gun.
I thought it was harsh to include Minnie too and I am glad to hear I won’t be suffering alone. Would you like some Noosha Fox to go with that?
Quite rightly.
It’s almost too easy to mention the magnificent Uriah Heep; “…but I’m gonna do it anyway, and then I’m gonna git right out of town.”
The opening seconds of the Heep’s, well, I guess you’d call it masterpiece, “Sunrise,” is possibly the funniest 15 or 20 seconds of anything that exists on earth. I think it may be that the Lord stays His hand from destroying the world, simply because He’s hoping we humans will come up with something else as funny as “Sunrise.”
There’s also that song by Kansas (weirdly I don’t know the name of it, but I know like half of the words) where the guy says, in deadly earnest, things like “I’m woven in a travesty/ I can’t believe the things I see” and at one point he actually sings “The moment is a masterpiece!” (has to be heard to be believed.)
Ah, what a great blog topic and conversation. Wow, so many bad memories. Anyway, my all time worst/ most hated is definitely “Lucy in disguise with glasses” by John Fred and His Playboy Band (it’s better with all capitals, eh?).
And possibly “Yellow River”, Tony Orlando and Dawn.
Anyway, let’s get ideological, spurred on by “Billy don’t be a hero” and “Ballad of the Green Berets.” Folks, I remember the 1996 federal election and as I grew up in in western NSW we got, via Radio 2DU (Dubbo), great lashings of the “Country Coalition” singing:
All we need is a little more time to get it together
There’s a whole of people been trying to get it together
Like you and me
All we need to be free
Is a little more tii-iime
To get it together.
Of course, they’d had since 1949 to get it together so a little more time was, given the circumstances, eminently reasonable.
But now I think I’ll go and shoot myself….
Bette Midler sang a shocker called ‘My Knight in Black Leather’. I think it was meant to be light-hearted but what can you do with “You know he smells just like a brand new car, cos everything he owns is leather!” And there’s plenty more where that came from.
How about ‘Sister Golden Hair’ for another seventies stinker.”Well I tried to make it Sunday, but I got so damn depressed/That I set my sights on Monday and I got myself undressed/I ain’t ready for the altar but I do agree there’s times/When a woman sure can be a friend of mine.”
er, make that 19 sixty-six.
now it makes sense….
apologies all round…
Is anybody old enough to remember “Teen Angel”? Cheesy enough to put in sandwiches.
And as for songs that are really annoying I have dire memories of “The Eve Of Destruction” on high rotation. The sixties weren’t all good.
Hugely popular in Holland in 1980 “Coward of the County”, perhaps OZ was spared it, some good ole boy accented septic.
[Hugely popular in Holland in 1980 â??Coward of the Countyâ??, perhaps OZ was spared it, some good ole boy accented septic.]
Umm, the Septic was Kenny Rogers and yes it WAS huge here. – mind you he was good in The First Edition.
Find it all on music blogs here.
Utterly stupefying Uriah Heep lyric…
“From now til who knows when,
My sword will be my pen.”
Not even Jon Anderson can beat that. In his defense, I guess he did write it with his sword, after all, if we can take him at his word, so it must have been a bit tricky.
I’m going way back here, ‘Honey, I’ll miss you’. I don’t want to remember who sang it but she dies when he’s not home and the song goes on forever.
Track 5 on Van Morrison’s contractual obligation album ‘Here Comes’ from the early seventies goes like this:
I can see by the look on your face
That you’ve got ringworm
I’m very sorry but I have to tell you that you’ve got it
Ringworm
It’s a very common disease
Actually you’re very lucky to have
Ringworm
‘Coz you may have had something else
Oooo-eeer-arrrgghh
Mmmm-aaarggg-eeeehh
You’ve got ringworm
Oooh-oohhh-ohhh-ooooohhh (x2)
I think the two chords are Em and D. And being Van, sung in the Van style and voice, it’s actually not completely unlistenable. Which I s’pose is what he was trying to achieve with this album.
You leave Jon Anderson alone!!
Kim Beazley couldn’t put it more clearly.
It’s called ‘Ringworm’, by the way.
Sheesh it’s ‘Honey’ by Bobby Goldsboro … don’t you guys know anything about pop classics?
Shocking to think that such things can still happen in America. Unless ‘Angels’ is some sort of homicidal crack gang? It’s so hard to keep up.
Hmmm, that sounds suspiciously like the must-play list from an Australian Labor Students’ piss-up. Damn you, Steve Brown, damn you…
Yummy, Yummy, Yummy, I’ve Got Love In My Tummy.
Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?
Happy Together (baaah, ba-ba ba, baaaah)
Little Green Apples
Sadie, The Cleaning Lady
Knights In White Satin
Don’t Take Your Love To Town
(And They Called It) Puppy Love
I figure you peeps can’t be taking this seriously or somebody would have had to include Barry Manilow’s ‘Mandy’ and Peter Allan’s ghastly ‘I go to Rio’. *shudders*
And a few others from my personal cringe catalogue:
Anything by Boz Scaggs
‘My Sharona’ (loathe it, always did)
‘Dancing Queen’ (I’m generally tolerant of Abba, but the suggestion that anybody might dance to this funereal dirge is risable.)
This one isn’t “bad” so much as it’s just, erm, extraordinary…
Somewhere out there in the ether there’s a Klaus Nomi cover-version of Leslie Gore’s teenybopper hit “You Don’t Own Me.” Has to be heard to be believed. Imagine a sort of growling, eight-octave-range German-accented cross between Roger Daltrey and Sauron, capable of soaring at will into the castrato-falsetto ionosphere, sneering his way through this…
“And don’t! tell me what to say!
Don’t! Tell me WHAT TO DO!
Just! Let me be myself!
That’s!! ALL I ASK OF YOU!!”
It’s a sad and beautiful world. But I believe Jon Anderson put it best when he said,
“If we reason with Destiny,
Gonna lose our touch.
Don’t kill the whale.
Dig it. Dig it.”
Where do I collect my prize?
Nabs: just because he’s off-key doesn’t make him cheesy.
Help! I’m a rock: here’s Klaus Nomi, for your listening pleasure.
Jon Anderson is the Roundabout.
‘I did what I did for Maria’ by Tony Christie; a morality tale of death and revenge
Fist verse:
‘Sunrise.
This is the last day that I’ll ever see.
Out in the courtyard they’re ready for me
But I go to my lord with no fear
Cause I did what I did for Maria’
Chorus
‘Take an eye for an eye
and a life for a life
and somebody must die
for the death of my wife’
And all sung with a smile.
So bad it hurts…
Add to “Ebony and Ivory” pretty much all of McCartney’s solo career.
Bah. I like “Macarthur Park” (at least the version performed by the great Jimmy Webb himself on his “Ten Easy Pieces” CD).
And some of the other so-called “shockers” mentioned here are nowt bad either. “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart” has some wonderful melodies and “ooh oohs”. And “Born To Be Alive” has a special place in any young rollerskater’s heart (at least my local rink would always play it for speed skating).
As for bad chewns: I reckon Telly Savalas’ spoken-word rendition of Bread’s ballad “If” must be up there, and I’m suprised no one has mentioned “Disco Duck” yet.
You gotta be kidding me — “Dancing Queen” is one of the most perfect pop songs ever written.
this isn’t a particularly bad song in teh overall scheme of things, but having to listen to it currently on high rotation on daughters’ CD and on ‘video hits’ on early sat. morn. as you are trying to wake up and make coffee…oy va.
presenting the 2007 donny osmond, channelling michael hutchence and the scissor sisters for the tweeny, teeny and general pop audience – number 4 on the Aust. hit parade in 2007 is:
MIKA – with ‘Love Today’
Has no-one mentioned ‘Living next door to Alice’?
Perhaps a repressed memory.
Does anyone remember the band who did a spoof of it? With an aside at the end of the chorus of ‘(Who the F*** is Alice?)’
I can’t comment, I had Snowy White’s “Bird of Paradise” spooled up on my 40W Dual Cassette Sharp Stereo for when I eventually lured my date for the social back to my cubicle.
Surprised not to see the Bellamy Brother’s “If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body (Would You Hold It Against Me)” here
Bushfire Bill, “Happy Together” (which I quite liked) was revisited in a very listenable way by the original singers fronting The Mothers as the Florescent Leech and Eddy. Much better than the original, due in no small part to the kick-arse band (composed of people who could actually play their instruments).
Ooh! ABBA! I forgot about them. The worst song EVER is “Nina, Pretty Ballerina”.
If you don’t believe me, find a copy of that first (I think it was) album and have a listen. Absolutely appalling.
jo,
Mika, I figure, is some kind of forewarning of the apocalypse. How can anyone put the words “grace kelly” and his awful squalling in the same context. Since the scissor sisters, everyone is singing bloody falsetto (bastards).
We found more cheese today in my collection: Bread (mentioned in the thread above) but that “IF” song is like a round of off camembert you find in the boot a week after a big shop.
Hard to get better than this work of art, with a ‘dead set’, Ménagerie à trois, theme. Where the hell is this wonder?
Lyrics for Macgregor Mary – Torn Between Two Lovers:
“There are times when a woman
has to say what’s on her mind
eventhough she knows how much its gonna hurt
Before I say another word
let me tell you, I love you
let me hold you close and say these words
as gently as I can
There’s been another man
that I’ve meeted and I love
But that doesn’t mean I love you less
And he knows he can’t posses me
and he knows he never will
Is just this empty place inside of me
That only he can fill
(CHOIR)
Torn between two lovers
feelin like a fool
Loving both of you
Is breaking all the rules
Torn between two lovers
feelin like a fool
Loving you both is breaking all the rules
You musn’t think you failed me
just because there’s someone else
you were the first real love I’ve ever had
And all the things I ever said
I swear they still are true
For no one else can have the part of me I gave to you
bla,bla……………….
Couldn’t really blame you
if you turn and walk away
But with everything I feel inside
I’m asking you to stay
bla,bla……………………
“Lady in Red”
“You’re Beautiful”
Shite, shite, shite, shite…
Len Barry “Like a Baby”
You’re so adorable
So infantile
Just like a little child
…
Because you smiiiile,
Just like a baaa-by
The thought of a grown woman giving a wide-mouth, toothless, vacant, drooling grin is enough to turn my stomach. And that a grown man would be turned on by this….
Jeezuz. There is sickness in the world.
Also Phil Collins.
And “Life begins at Forty” by (IIRC) “Chaz and Dave”
And I believe Kevin Bloody Wilson did a spoof version called “Living Next Dopr to Alan”. Also pretty shite.
An interesting subset of the question would be to set aside all the schlockmeisters and consider only the monstrosities done by folks who should know better, sort of “When Bad Songwriting Happens to Good People.”
I mean, forget Barry Manilow for a minute, who were those cretards that did that stinker about “I’ll come to your emotional rescue”? Oh, right, the Stones. If Terry Jacks had written “Octopus’s Garden,” we’d need two separate pikes to stick his head on. I confess to a love for Patti Smith, but part of me suspects that “Pissing in a River” is objectively ridiculous, and would fit in fine as an encore at a Meat Loaf show.
The all-time champs of this sort of thing are probably the Kinks, who lived in self-inflicted round-the-world embarrassment for the better part of like twenty years. Sustained achievement in Making a Fool of Yourself When You’re Supposed to Be a Genius probably goes to the Kinks album “Low Budget,” which rivals Neil Diamond for sheer burbling inanity. Hmmm, which dog to shoot first, Old Yeller or Sounder?
For those of you who’ve re-implanted “Billy don’t be a hero” in my brain, I return the favour with “Tie a yellow ribbon”. Also, if you thought “Eve of destruction” was bad, you’d certainly remember the ultra-right wing rejoinder, “Dawn of correction”, as being even worse.
I cant believe there are people who don’t like Kenny Rogers.
http://www.menwholooklikekennyrogers.com/
“Afternoon Delight” is on my list, as is that one about “You are the wings beneath my wind” or what ever.
Ah yes – “you are the wind beneath my wings”. And perhaps the most patronising line ever delivered … “It must have been cold there in my shadow”.
I certainly wouldn’t be couragous enough to say that to my significant other without full armour plating.
Poison, ‘Unskinny Bop’.
Every time I hear that song I want to punch myself in the ears until my eardrums puncture and I’ll never have to hear it again.
Unskinny Bop.
Mmm-bop.
Are She Bop and Blitzkrieg Bop good enough to un-bad the bad?
I would suggest that this fate befell John Denver after about 1975 when he could no longer resist over-egging and front-end-loading the political/environmental/ethical/religious message in whatever he wrote (in contrast to Rocky Mountain High which was such an effective green anthem precisely because the political sting in the tail was understated).
Anything by Black Sabbath after 1975 (although ‘Heaven and Hell’ was cool I suppose).
Time to reach the very deepest parts now.
Michael Bolton – Can I Touch You…There
Baby, show me what you feel
Come to me, show me somethin’ real
I need to know, I need you completely
(closer, baby, closer) Come on closer, baby (let’s begin)
Love is takin’ over, gotta let it in
Ooh and I need to feel the heart of you
I need to reach the very deepest part of you
Chorus:
Can I touch you there, touch you deep inside
Can I touch your heart, the way you’re touchin’ mine
Can I touch you there, touch you deep within, oh
Can I touch you there, can I touch you oh…(there)
Oooh Baby, tell me with your eyes
Tell me every secret, darlin’
Every deep desire, till you and I
Are makin’ love completely
(closer,baby, closer) come on closer, baby,
(can’t be close enough)
I can’t help the way I hold you
I just hunger for your love
Oooh and I need to feel the heart of you
I need to reach the deepest part of you
Chorus:
All I wanna do is touch you, baby
Touch you very soul insideof you
Oooh and I need to feel the heart of you
I need to reach the very deepest part of you
Oh, let me be the one to show you
Just what love can do
Come on, baby, come on
Chorus:
Ken Lovell correctly identified this as ‘Honey’ by Bobby Goldsboro. Even worse than the bit Ken quoted, imho, is the following:
“She wrecked the car and she was sad
And so afraid that I’d be mad
But what the heck.
And though I tried so hard to be
I guess you’d say she saw through me
And hugged my neck.”
Ah, they don’t write songs like that anymore (thank heavens).
I have my own nomination – it’s not really cheezy but it’s possibly in the worst taste ever: a little number entitled ‘I Want My Baby Back’ by (I think) The Marauders. The protagonist loses ‘his baby’ in a particularly horrific road accident but they are ‘reunited’ in the final chorus, preceded by the sounds of digging and of a coffin lid being levered open. I’ll leave the rest to your imagination. It is plainly tongue-in-cheek – a defence, incidentally, that can’t excuse the ponderously earnest ‘Coward of the County’ by ponderously earnest Kenny Rogers.
Bobby G was a legend (yes, chasing the boy in him away):
It was a hot afternoon
Last day of June
And the sun was a demon
The clouds were afraid
One-ten in the shade
And the pavement was steaming
I told Billy-Ray
In his red Chevrolet
I needed time for some thinking
I was just walking by
When I looked in her eye
And I swore it was winking
She was 31 and I was 17
I knew nothing about love
She knew everything
And I sat down beside her on the front porch swing
And wondered what the coming night would bring
The sun closed her eyes
As it climbed in the sky
And it started to swelter
The sweat trickled down the front of her gown
And I thought it would melt her
She threw back her hair
Like I wasn’t there
And she sipped on a julep
Her shoulders were bare
And I tried not to stare
When I looked at her two lips.
And when she looked at me
I heard her softly say
I know you’re young
You don’t know what to do or say
But stay with me until the sun has gone away
And I will chase the boy in you away
And then she smiled and we talked for a while
And we walked for a mile to the sea
We sat on the sand, and a boy took her hand
But I saw the sun rise as a man
Ten years have gone by
Since I looked in her eye
But the memory lingers
I go back in my mind
To the very first time
And feel the touch of her fingers
It was a hot afternoon
Last day of June
And the sun was a demon
The clouds were afraid
One-ten in the shade
And the pavement was steaming…
for Michele…
Good God Nabokov.
Where’s the cheese grater for my eyes?
And d00d!! That Osmonds clip!!!! Fuck me dead.
Always good to see folks in film clips playing chords on a monosynth.
Apparently John Denver and Hunter S Thompson were near neighbours… and Hunter thought Denver weird. That cracks me up.
When Good songwriters go bad- Pink Floyd after (and some would say during), “The Wall.”
When good songwriters go bad? It’s probably heresy but The Beatles are something I will never understand. Having had to sit through endless renditions of the cheese-festival “All My Loving” thanks to the cultural icon that was “Young Talent Time”, I cannot stand that particular strain of easy listening.
Nuh-uh. Worst lyrics ever:
and ironically the following post:
Share the following piece of trivia.
Both artists involved are named Johnny (John) have had hits with radically slowed down versions of Beatle Songs which were originally sung at a faster tempo.
(Farnham of course had a huge hit in 1980 with his Ballad reworking of Help, while the All My Loving mentioned was by Johnny Young.
Su – and both killed themselves. Maybe something in the water?
Thank god I’m a Country Boy & Granma’s Big Bed against Fear & Loathing and Generation of Swine. Grud save amerika.
I thought Denver just ran out of gas – I suppose we will never really know. But I like to imagine Thompson naked, shotgun under one arm, fagend in mouth and a belly full of booze and pills, shaking his head and muttering “that Denver is just weird, man”.
Basically, in the period after “The Wall” Roger Waters had manoeuvered himself into a position where he could write their entire next album, “The Final Cut” (which he wanted to be their last album, hence the title) and also exercise sole control over production, arangements, etc., without input, criticism, reality checks, etc., from the other members. Then Dave Gilmour and Nick Mason won the legal argument to continue to play and record as Pink Floyd after Waters had left to go solo, and since the mid-1980s we have had Pink Floyd sans the musical imagination of Waters, and Waters solo sans the discipline and musicianship provided by a band of equals.
SU – The reportage was that he’d set the autopilot due west (“..for the heart of the Sun..” no, that was ..Pink Floyd?) and pilled up with a bottle of Southern Comfort.
Friends of Hunter claimed that they were on the phone to him, full of beanz about a new Konspiracy article he was writing, when he broke off conversation, a few muffled sounds, kablam then the phone is hung up.
Doonesbury had some great strips on the pair’s interactions.
Really, I missed those Doonesbury cartoons! Bugger. When someone posted the seminaked pics of Putin on LP the first thing I thought was damn, it’s the Russian ‘Duke’!
Only just saw all this thread, but was disappointed no-one nominated Sheena Easton’s “My Baby Takes the Morning Train” – a banal song about a bimbo with no life unless she is with her hubby, who happens to work 9 to 5 and takes public transport.
David #96, thanks for drawing my attention to “Dawn of Correction” by The Spokesmen. The lyrics are quaint enough to be well worth dumping here.
The western world has a common dedication
To keep free people from Red domination
And maybe you can’t vote, boy, but man your battle stations
Or there’ll be no need for votin’ in future generations
So over and over again, you keep sayin’ it’s the end
But I say you’re wrong, we’re just on the dawn of correction
There are buttons to push in two mighty nations
But who’s crazy enough to risk annihilation?
The buttons are there to ensure negotiation
So don’t be afraid, boy, it’s our only salvation
So over and over again, you keep sayin’ it’s the end
But I say you’re wrong, we’re just on the dawn of correction
You tell me that marches won’t bring integration
But look what it’s done for the voter registration
Be thankful our country allows demonstrations
Instead of condemnin’, make some recommendations
I don’t understand the cause of your aggravation
You mean to tell me, boy, it’s not a better situation?
So over and over again, you keep sayin’ it’s the end
But I say you’re wrong, we’re just on the dawn of correction
You missed all the good in your evaluation
What about the things that deserve commendation?
Where there once was no cure, there’s vaccination
Where there once was a desert, there’s vegetation
Self-government’s replacing colonization
What about the Peace Corp. organization?
Don’t forget the work of the United Nations
So over and over again, you keep sayin’ it’s the end
But I say you’re wrong, we’re just on the dawn of correction
But I say you’re wrong, we’re just on the dawn of correction
So over and over again, you keep sayin’ it’s the end
But I say you’re wrong, we’re just on the dawn of correction
And “Morning Train” by Sheena Easton definitely gets a guernsey for much the same reasons as “I’ve Never Been To Me” and “No Charge”.
Comment: “Wow. Thanks for digging this up; now I understand why this song is so forgotten while McGuire’s is considered a classic.”
Naah, “Eve of Destruction” is a crime against humanity. For the good take on this style see “Trouble Every Day” by Zappa/Mothers. (Wonder if McGuire copped his stance from FZ as much as bad neo-Dylan?)
btw, over on the zany “World of Warhaft” thread, that “Modern Major General” parody is a real pip. Ambigulous, ‘zat you?